HP stands for an unHappy Purchase

Yes, the HP I am going to talk about in this entry is none other than Hewlett Packard. I am not a highly technical person and the point of this entry is to share my experience with others and make them think twice about getting an HP laptop.

I have been an HP product user ever since I started using computers and peripherals. My personal printer is an HP PSC1400 series. I've used a Compaq Presario (V3770, if I remember it right) laptop from 2008 till 2011, (with out any problem) until the demands of my photography necessitates an upgrade of my laptop.  And so this is how my very disappointing relationship with an HP Pavilion DM4 laptop began.

On July 11, 2011, I bought an HP Pavilion DM4 laptop from Complink Mall of Asia (this is where I have been buying my laptops). I first encountered the problem of the Win7 OS not fully loading up a a little more than a week after I bought it. When I say "the OS fully loading up", when I press the power button, there were times that it displays "Starting Windows" but nothing else comes up. Thinking that this could just be a glitch, I let it be. This and the fact that it was beyond the 7-day replacement period. 

From July 2011 until February 2012, I frequently encountered this "booting" up problem. During these 8 months, I had the laptop reformatted, I had the OS re-installed, but I still got the same situation. Due to heavy work load, I wasn't able to bring the unit to the HP Service Center until April 27, 2012. By this time, I felt like I was playing with a guessing game with DM4 whenever I'd use it. Guessing game in the sense that when ever I'd use it and press the power button on, at the back of my mind I'm waiting if the OS will fully load. 

So on April 27, 2012 I personally went to the HP Service Center in Makati to have my DM4 checked and repaired. Six days after, on May 3 I got my DM4 back. Since it was still under warranty, it was delivered to me. The repair summary indicated: "DO PM and reformatted unit due to intermittent wont continue to windows. Run hdd test passed. Burn in tested the unit passed, camera is working as well as keyboard. Cleaned unit done - marjune tuppal" The unit was delivered to me in the morning of May 3, 2012. When I got home that night and tried to use my DM4, I encountered the same problem. I immediately texted HP Service Center about this and I think they got back to me after a day or two. :( 

My DM4 was pulled out and was submitted to the Service Center for the second time. I told their messenger to take note also of my observation  that whenever I get to use my DM4, it feels hotter than usual and I noticed that the fan isn't working as it should. Imagine my surprise when after a few hours of having my laptop pulled out, one of their supervisors (identified himself as Butch) called and told me "Ma'am, I will personally handle your account, since I noticed that this is the 2nd time that the unit is being referred to us. Let me verify Ma'am, your concern is that the unit is overheating?"  Aaaaarrrrrrgghhhhhhhh!!!! This made me lose my patience and told Butch that the MAIN problem is not the overheating. It's secondary to the OS not fully loading!

This time around, the unit was with them for 2 weeks. This time, when the unit was returned to me, the repair summary indicated: "Replaced thermal module and reapplied paste on the processor. Never encountered overheating. But encountered intermittent no display. Checked and reseated all the connection / cables but still the same, requested a new case. f. miralles". The handwritten report summary on their PSG Repair Check List also indicated: "Replaced defective thermal module, system board and battery. Updated the BIOS. Burn-in test passed. Keyboard test passed. POS test of memory, battery and full HDD test passed. Cleaned the unit." It was also during this time that they informed me that the additional 2gb DDR3 memory which I had installed was the one causing the problem since it is not a compatible brand, so they had it removed. 

On June 6, 2012 they had my unit delivered back to me. With all the parts replacement they did, I was expecting that my DM4 will now be problem-free. However, when I got home that night and tested the unit, I was disappointed to note that 2 USB ports weren't working! Sh*t, right?! So I texted them again and on June 8, 2012, my DM4 was pulled out again and submitted to HP Service Center for the third time. This time, they lent me a service unit already. 

Two days after, I got a message from them that my unit is now ready to be delivered to me. Their engineer told me that it was just a matter of a part of the casing not being closed properly, hence the 2 USB ports not working. This made me go "huh?! don't you guys have a quality control of some sort, just to make sure that units you release are really working?" But anyway, I let it be. So on June 11, 2012 I had my DM4 back.

By this time, my DM4 has been in and out of the HP Service Center not just once, twice but three times already. Its system board, thermal module and even the batter have been replaced. It was also reverted back to its original state of 2GB DDR3 memory. For exactly a week, my DM4 was working fine albeit slower. However, on June 18, 2012, the OS failure to load happened again! 

By this time, I really can't take it anymore. I sent them a very long sms complaining about this. They replied if they can pick up my unit again and lend me another service unit. I refused and asked someone with authority to call me, because clearly, the problem isn't being addressed properly by the staff anymore. And so I got a call from one Jonald Cata who introduced himself as a Lead, Case Management. 

I asked Mr. Cata if I let the unit be pulled out this time, what are they going to do? Observe it again? I told Mr. Cata about my frustration with all the people I have been dealing with and their misunderstandings of my complaint. I flatly told Mr. Cata that this time, I am not amenable to repairs anymore. I am not a highly technical person, but the fact that the System Board has been replaced already and I still have the same problem means only one thing, it needs to be replaced! This problem with my DM4 has already cost me money and backlog in my photography. In fairness to Mr. Cata, he was sympathetic and  promised to do everything he can. 

On June 26 and 27th, I encountered the same problem when I turned on my laptop. I was captured on video on June 26 and sent it to Mr. Cata. But for June 27, I just took a picture because the vid file was just too large. On June 27, Mr. Cata told me that his people are really requesting that the unit be pulled out again so that they fully work on my request for replacement. Hesitantly, I agreed to it. I was told that I will be issued a service unit again.  

But imagine my dismay when on June 28, their messenger came to the office and brought me a service unit that has AMD Dual Core processor and 1GB memory! Gosh! I really lost it! I felt really insulted by this! My DM4 is an i5 2gb DDR3 laptop! With this specifications, I am having issues with the speed of my DM4 and they will give me a service unit that's DUAL CORE?????? Gosh! Even my Compaq was a Core 2 Duo, 2gb DDR2!

I really lost it! And I told their messenger I will not accept their service unit and he can take my DM4 as well, as a DONATION! They can shove that effing defective DM4 up their noses, I don't care! They might want to use it as a specimen to better understand why their products suck! But hey, come to think of it, they don't need that do they? All they need to do is to have better QUALITY CONTROL! 

I told Mr. Cata that I was really insulted! They can have my DM4! I didn't take any papers from them (not the pull out form or anything else). I am serious when I said I am donating it to them! I was very forthright also with Mr. Cata that I honestly believe that my request for replacement will not be granted anyway. They would just wait for my warranty to end and they'd give that as an excuse why my request for replacement is denied, in short, they will be employing a DELAYING TACTICS! Oh well, there is Karma anyway. 

I bought that laptop for like P35,000. With what happened, I'll just think of it as stolen! I know God will give me a new laptop in His time. I hope it will be Macbook Pro! But until that happens? 

COUNT.ME.OUT.AS.AN.HP.CUSTOMER.

NEVER.AGAIN.WILL.I.BUY.AN.HP.LAPTOP.
NEVER.WILL.I.RECOMMEND.HP.LAPTOPS.TO.FRIENDS.AND.FAMILIES.

Happy Mother's Day

Today, May 13 2012 as we pay tribute to the greatest woman in each of our lives - our Mothers, I write this entry.

Growing up, I have heard relatives and even strangers say that I am my mother's spitting image. From the facial features, to that "snobbish and suplada" look;  to the way our teeth and jaws are formed; to our body built; to the fact that when we eat and gain weight the only part of our bodies that grows big is our tummy; down to the way we walk, indeed I am Momma Star's "juniora".  And I think of all us siblings, I am the one who inherited the most features from my mom's side (curly hair, wide forehead, thick lower lips; chinese features)

My mom's not perfect. I don't think there is one. But the fact remains that she is my Mom and no matter what happens, me and my siblings owe half of our lives to her (the other half coming from my late dad). That all of us are at the point in our lives where we are able to survive this world because of Mom's teachings, failures and success.

Of my folks, I see  Mom as the go-getter, the "PR" person. She easily makes friends despite the "snobbish" look (well, I can't really blame her, she's got Chinese and Spanish for parents). Oh, the "connections" she makes just because she can easily talk to a stranger.

My mom's a typical mom. Endlessly worrying about her 5 kids, despite  the fact that her eldest child is now approaching 50 and her youngest is already few years shy of hitting 40. :) The worrying extends to her 12 grandchildren, too.

But never upset her fully. Never hurt her or make her mad, because she will never forget it. She may forgive you for it, but she will never forget.

From her, I learned the importance of getting an education. My mom's a licensed pharmacist but never practiced it, choosing to be a stay-at-home mom for us her 5 kids. That education is something that can never be taken away from us.

It is also from her that I learned not to care so much about what other people are saying about me. She would time and again remind me and my brothers (2 of whom are Maritime Masters and the youngest boy is now a licensed Maritime Chief Mate) that we should treat our subordinates well but never condone idiocy and stupidity.

When my dad fell ill and required constant caring, it was then that I saw and learned from my Mom firsthand, what it means when you say "in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, till death do us part". She unselfishly took care of my dad the last 3 years of his life.

One thing though that I cannot see my mom, is as a business woman. I think it is from her that I inherited my ability to persuade people to use products that I find effective (my "commercial endorser" side, as I would jokingly refer to it), but my mom's not a business woman by nature. Why do I say this? She can be very "maawain" she'd almost give away her products for free!

As I said, Mom's not perfect, but if I am asked if I'd choose her for my Mom again in the next lifetime? DEFINITELY!

Happy Mother's Day, Mama! I may not say it always, but I love you!

The Day I Conquered EDSA

Today, April 28 I was able to finally drive through the famed and historical Epifanio Delos Santos Avenue (EDSA)!

I've been driving my own car for 2 years and 7 months now and for the life of me, no one and nothing can make me take EDSA whenever I need to go to Quezon City! Nothing! Until today that is.

I have to go Bulacan for a dear friend's last day of wake and I was thinking of other ways to get to the North Luzon Express (NLEX), but all weren't that appealing to me.

Prior to today, I knew that at some point I have to learn how to use EDSA as my way going to Quezon City mainly because it's the shortest (in terms of distance, that is) way that there is for me. But ever since I got my car, I will, at all cost, avoid driving through EDSA. When people ask me "Why?", I tell them that the buses plying EDSA scares the hell out of me. It will just stress me out and I don't want to be stressed out while driving. In spite of several advice on how to safely drive through EDSA, it's still a "Na-uh"! Which makes my friends shake their heads (or even laugh) at me because they know that I drive without any second thought through the South Luzon and North Luzon Expressways and even the what's called to be the "deadly highway" Commonwealth Avenue. But EDSA? Na-uh!

But today, since my trip will be quite long, I finally decided to brave EDSA. :) And thank God I made it! Yes, today's a Saturday, when traffic's supposed to be light and I can drive through EDSA breezily, but that was not the case earlier. Some parts were being repaired, causing some slowing down of vehicles. A part of me was thankful for this repairs because it enabled me to "observe" EDSA. In terms of the lanes I should be at, etc.

And since the traffic was kinda slow, I was able to take pics using my iPhone as remembrance for this personal achievement :)

But going home, I didn't take EDSA anymore. I took my normal route. I guess I'm not that brave yet. But one day very soon, I'll try EDSA going Southbound!

But for now, I am extremely thankful for this experience!

Salamat, Manang Ever

Si Manang Ever ay isa sa mga tinatawag na "manghuhula" (psychic) sa kulturang Pinoy. Pero para sa akin, sa higit sampung taon na naging bahagi sya ng buhay ko, naging higit pa sya duon. 

Taong 2000 nung una ko siyang nakilala, kapitbahay nya kasi ang ikatlong kuya ko at ang pamilya nito dun sa Quezon City. Nang mga panahon yun, wala akong trabaho at kasalukuyang naghihintay ng resulta ng application ko sa kasalukuyan kong kumpanya. Nasabi lang ng hipag ko na mayroon nga daw marunong manghula dun sa kanila. 

Aaminin ko, may certain level of interest ako sa usaping astrology, hula, at mga ganun bagay. Pero wag lang yung mga kulam, etc. So, nagpa-refer ako sa hipag ko. 

Unang pagkakataon na "binasahan" ako ni Manang, magaan na agad ang loob ko sa kanya. Generous sya sa oras nya. Di nya ako minadali. Unang basa nya palang, tinanung na nya ako kung may inaantay ba ako tungkol sa usaping trabaho. Sabi ko, Oo. Pero di ako nag-elaborate.  Mag-antay ka ng mga 2 linggo, may mababalitaan ka tungkol dito. Nuong mga panahon din na yun, may iniinda akong heartbreak. Ang sabi ni Manang, hayaan mo na. Hindi mo pa panahon mag-asawa, mauuna ang pag unlad mo sa career kesa sa lovelife mo. Pero di ka tatandang dalaga. Makakapag-asawa ka, pero di kasi pwede sa yo ang basta-bastang lalaki, sa maraming kadahilanan. Pero tandaan mo, madami ka pang makikilalang mas higit dyan sa iniiyakan mo.

Kahit na may interest ako sa mga hula-hula, hindi ako yung tipo na magpapa-hula, tapos ime-memorize lahat ng sinabi at aantayin kung magkaka-totoo o hindi. Parang sa akin, entertainment of some sort. Pero may certain level na assurance din naman akong nakukuha. Kasi parang siempre, "may sagot" sa mga tanong ko eh. Nare-realize ko na lang na "tama" yung hula pag nangyayari na, at kadalasan, sobrang late ko pa ma-realize, kasi nga di ko naman tinatandaan.

Di lumipas ang 2 linggo mula nung una nya akong basahan ng baraha, may telegrama nga akong natanggap mula sa kumpanyang pinagsisilbihan ko ngayon. So dali-dali kong inayos ang mga papel hanggang nakapag-simula ako. Ilang buwan na din ang lumipas nga maisip ko si Manang Ever at ang kanyang sinabi. So tinawagan ko, at sinabi ko na Manang, oo nga. Eto na empleyado na ako. Natuwa sya nuon. 

Simula nuon, nabuo ang pagiging magka-ibigan namin. Sa paglipas ng mga panahon, hindi na sya basta isang manghuhula na lang. Madalas, pag may bagong pangyayari sa buhay ko, tatawag ako at pupuntahan ko sya, para manghingi ng guidance. Naging hingahan ko na din sya ng mga problema. Naging confidante tungkol sa buhay pag-ibig ko. 

Sa loob ng higit sampung taon, hindi miminsan na iiyak ako kay Manang Ever, kasi ang lungkot-lungkot ko sa pinagtatrabahuhan ko gawa ng mga intriga. Hindi miminsan na nagsabi ako kay Manang Ever na "mag-re-resign na ako Manang, Ang hirap ng mga ugali ng mga tao". At sa tuwina, sasabihin nya "Huwag. Kasi may pag unlad ka pa dyan na nakikita ko. May promotion ka pa, Rose. Wag kang aalis." Aaminin ko, hindi dahil sa sinabi ni Manang na may career advancement pa ako kaya ako nanatili. Nang mga panahong yun, maganda ang sahod ko kumpara sa pribadong sektor o sa ibang ahensya ng gobyerno. Kaya nanatili ako.

Nang ma-promote ako bilang Section Chief after barely 3 years in the government service (at sa government, hindi ito pang-karaniwan nuon. Ang kalakaran ng pumasok ako, ugatin ka na bago ka maging Section Chief), tuwang tuwa si Manang para sa akin. Sabi nya "meron pa ulit Rose. Mag-antay ka lang". Ang sagot ko: "Manang, okay na po ako dito. Di ko nga po in-expect na ganito kabilis eh". Pero pilit at paulit-ulit nya pang sinabi na "hindi, meron pa!" Lumipas ang halos limang taon mula nuon, na-promote nga ako ulit bilang Division Chief after merely 8 years of being a government employee. 

Sa lahat ng success ko sa career, si Manang Ever ang unang-una natutuwa para sa akin, outside my family. 

Sa lahat ng failures ko sa lovelife, si Manang Ever din ang unang sumbungan ko. Pag may bago akong boylet na kinaka-interesan, ikukuento ko sa kanya yun. Dumating ako sa puntong nakaramdam na ako ng takot na baka wala na. Ang sabi nya Hindi, meron Rose. Nauna lang ang career mo. 

Sa sampung taon, madami panahon sa buhay ko na insecure ako, si Manang Ever ang naiisip kong tawagan at kuentuhan nito. Sa kanya ko naririnig na "meron. Wag kang matakot. May pag asa yan". 

Last January 2012, nalaman ni Manang Ever na may bukol sya sa Pancreas nya. Nang tawagan ko sya para kumustahin, sinabi lang nya na "may bukol ako sa pancreas ko, Di daw pwedeng operahin sabi ng doctor". Sa boses pa lang nya, dinig ko na ang lungkot nya. Di ko tinanung kung cancerous ba yung bukol, dahil takot ako. Takot akong marinig na tama ang intindi ko sa sinabi nya at sa tono ng boses nya; takot din akong ma-offend ko sya kung sakali man na hindi naman cancerous pala. 

Huli namin pagkikita February 2012, pinuntahan ko sya dinalhan ng mga herbal supplements. Payat na sya at halatang depressed na. Inulit ko ang tanong na "ano daw ba yang nakita Manang?". Muli ang sagot nya: Bukol sa pancreas. Sinabi nya na ang nagpapalakas ng loob nya ay kameng mga kaibigan nya na nagbibigay suporta sa kanya. Sabi nya pa "ang mga dasal nyo ang nagpapalakas sa akin". Alam ko na nung mga oras na yun na malala ang sakit nya. Alam ko na na pancreatic cancer, kahit di nya sinabi at inamin sa akin. Pero umasa ako na may panahon pa. Binasahan nya pa ako ulit nung araw na yun. Tiningnan nya yung "estado" ng relationship ko sa isang guy. Sinabi nya na "wag na Rose. May darating pang isa. Mas higit dito  sa nanakit sa yo ngayon".   

Simula nuon, di ko na sya nadalaw ulit. Pero natawagan ko pa sya early part ng Marso. Matamlay na talaga ang boses nya. Pero puro pagpapasalamat pa din sya. 

Late March, tumawag ako ulit para mangumusta. Dun ko nalaman na umuwi na sa Bulacan si Manang at ng mga oras na yun ay naka-confine sa isang private hospital sa San Fernando, Pampanga. Nagulat ako. Pero dun ko na confirm na late stage Pancreatic Cancer nga ang kanyang sakit. Pati ang liver nya ay may tama na daw. Simula nuon, katext ko na ang pamankin ni Manang Ever na nurse. Sa kanya ako nakakakuha ng update. 

April 25, 2012 pag gising ko, isang text message ang nakita ko at ang tanging sabi ay "wala na si tita Ever, kagabi bandang 10pm". Natulala ako. Pero pinilit kong wag malungkot. Ang reply ko lang sa text na yun ay kung saan ang burol at kelan ang libing. Puntahan ko na lang sa burol 'kako. 

Alam ko sa sarili ko na di pwedeng di ako pumunta at mag-paalam sa huling pagkakataon sa isang kaibigan ko. Kaya kahit di ko kabisado ang San Ildefonso, Bulacan at wala akong makakasama, alam kong kakayanin ko para kay Manang Ever. 

Pumunta ako kanina. Sa huling araw ng lamay ni Manang Ever ko. Nuon ko lang nakita si Manang na naka-make-up at naka -formal wear. Ang ganda ng kanyang Filipiniana inspired gown. Nuon ko lang sya nakitang naka lipstick. Sa loob ng isang kabaong. Naiyak ako sa harap nya. Bigla ko naramdaman ang pagkawala nya. Wala na nga si Manang Ever ko. 

Nakipag-kwentuhan ako sa pamankin nyang Nurse. Ang sabi ni Maritess, hanggang sa huli, di naging pabigat si Manang sa kanila. Kanina ko din lang nalaman na si Manang Ever ko pala ay isang Certified Public Accountant. Napaka-humble. 

Sa kanyang pagkawala, madami kameng nangungulila sa kanya. Alam ko din sa sarili ko na hindi na ako "magpapahula" pa sa iba.

Bago ako umalis sa lamay, lumapit ako ulit sa kanyang kabaong at bumulong na "Sa huling pagkakataon, ba-bye Manang at maraming, maraming salamat sa lahat lahat". 

Salamat, Manang Ever. Sa lahat ng paalala mo sa akin. Sa lahat ng assurance mo pag talagang in doubt ako. Sa wala mong sawang pakikinig sa mga hinaing ko tungkol sa pera, sa mga boylets, sa trabaho. Sa pagpapatibay mo ng loob ko tuwing gusto ko na lang sumuko.Alam ko na masaya at tahimik ka na ngayon. Alam ko din na patuloy kang nandyan para sa amin. Salamat.

My First Encounter with Father Fernando Suarez

Yesterday, Saturday April 14, 2012 I went to hear a healing mass by Father Fernando Suarez. To most Catholics around the world, his name is synonymous to healing. His website would tell you the information about him.

I've first heard of Father Suarez around 2006, when there was a healing mass to be held in our office and the organizers were pre-registering the names of the sick who wishes to be healed. I didn't pay attention back then.  After that, I'd hear his name time and again.

Fast forward to a day in 2011, my mom mentioned that she wants to visit Father Suarez's place in Tagaytay. But we never got around to it. Until last week, when she told me that one of our neighbors have listed her name for the healing mass at Glorietta Mall, Makati. She asked me Friday night if I was going to go with them and I said yes, more out of the fact that I wanted to personally assist my mom than experiencing the healing mass.

Then on the day itself, I was having 2nd thoughts about going with them. I was tired from a heavy week at work and I was thinking of just staying home to rest the whole weekend. A part of me was also starting to think "what do I need to be healed from? I'm fine physically". But another part of me was also telling me "you need to go, not just for your mom but you need to be healed from a lot of things and you know it because you can't sleep anymore with all the emotional baggages you've been carrying for a long time". Sometime mid-morning I told my mom that I won't be going anymore and she got got irked with this and chastised me. I decided to take a nap and will just decide afterwards. I woke up at 2:30 pm from my nap and decided that I will join my mom and my neighbors to the mass. And so we went to Glorietta.

Upon reaching the activity center where the mass was going to be held, there was a "one-ticket, one person" policy. Needless to say, I didn't have a ticket. I told my mom and my neighbor that it's okay, I can just stand outside the area and I'd still be able to hear the Mass. I'd just wait for them outside.

And I did just that. I stood outside the designated area and was already thinking of going to Greenbelt chapel to attend an anticipated mass or just sit there and spend time with God (minus Father Suarez), when a woman suddenly approached me and asked "Miss, wala kang tiket? (Miss, you don't have a ticket?)"  and I replied in the affirmative. Then she gave me one. She was supposed to go with a friend but her friend didn't show up. At that very moment, I knew that I was meant to be there. And as if God really wants me to be sure that I am invited to that celebration, another woman approached me and gave me another ticket! So now I have two tickets! I saw a couple waiting outside and it looked to me that the wife really wanted to go in, so I approached her and gave her my extra ticket. I also told her to just wait for a while and someone might be kind enough to give her a ticket so that her husband can get in.

While waiting for the mass to start, I still wasn't sure what to ask from God, I mean to heal me from what? Then Father Suarez came out and started the celebration. In his opening message, he emphasized that the fact that we were all there, some even coming from far flung provinces, is enough to know that God sees us, He knows each and every one of our needs, that God is pouring His infinite mercy on each and everyone of us. Father Suarez reminded us also not to be shy in taking God's mercy.

I  like the story he shared with us that when he first received his gift, he had doubts whether this gift was from God or the devil. I like it because it showed the human side of Father Suarez. I mean he is human, but to be given a gift something like his, I know that it's not ordinary and not easy. At the start, he even had doubts whether the gift was from God or from the devil.

The Gospel was the story of the apostle Thomas. Yes, THE Doubting Thomas. Father Suarez emphasized how blessed we are who lives in this day and age when Jesus no longer roams the earth, yet we believe in Him. Unlike the apostles who have spent time with the Son of God and yet they still have their doubts.

I was on the 2nd floor already and only had my iPhone
to take this pic

During the mass, I was still unsure what to ask from God. Then I closed my eyes, and just felt the tears pouring. I was thanking Him for everything good in my life. And I was begging Him to take away everything that isn't good. The loneliness, the pain, the hatred, the bitterness, the fear. I asked for His forgiveness for everything, too.

After the mass, that's when the healing service began. I belonged to the last batches of people who lined up for the healing service because I got in late. This gave me time to watch as Father Suarez laid his healing hands on the afflicted. I saw people being slain in the spirit. And it gave me goose bumps seeing those. In that moment, my mind was telling me that I was seeing Father Suarez, but my heart knew it was God's who was working on this people and briefly, I had a glimpse of what it was like during the time of Jesus when people would do anything just to touch His cloak or even be just in His presence. To my limited human mind and standard, Father Suarez isn't someone whom I will refer to as handsome. But he's got an aura that made his face so peaceful, serene and divine. I knew that I was seeing God in Him at that very moment.

When it was my turn to stand in front and be touched by Father Suarez, he touched me on my on my left shoulder, but I grabbed his hand and held it for a few moments. I was at lost for words. I didn't know what to ask God while I was holding the hand of His beloved son. But I felt that Father Suarez wasn't in a hurry to let go of my hand that moment when I grabbed it despite the others who are also in need of it. He stayed there until I let go of his hand. On a hindsight, I felt that God was there, it was His hand I was holding onto and He never hurried me up to let go of His hand, because He knew how much I needed it. I let go of Father Suarez's hands after a few seconds as I knew that there were still others who needed those hands more than I do. But it was enough for me.

I came home feeling lighter and much more at peace. I woke up feeling light hearted. And thankful for the encounter that I had with Father Fernando Suarez.

Thy Will Be Done

This Holy Wednesday, I got a YM message from someone who was dear to me in the latter part of 2011 until mid-January 2012. This person also caused me so much pain when he left. But in mid-February, I saw an FB post of his that he's started seeing someone new and that's when I stopped hoping.

Hard and sad as it was, I started moving on. It helped that I have a new work assignment and it consumed most of my time. But I was careful not to overdo it at work, lest I find myself working like I did (14 hours a day, 6-7 days a week) again. I found solace at my work; at the Church and in being alone. While I was trying to heal myself, I isolated myself from my friends for like 2 months.

But there were days when I'd asked myself if I'm doing the right thing. Not to mention the nights when everything's still and much as I tried to fight it, my thoughts would go to him and the angels.By then, I knew there's nothing more I can do. I just wished him the best and continued to pray for him.

Then last Wednesday night, tired from an extra heavy week at work, I was contentedly anticipating the 5-day weekend when upon checking my email, I saw an offline message from this person. He just wanted to say "Hi!" I was stunned; speechless for the 1st minute. I was thinking that maybe, it's something of a "spam" message; knowing how Yahoo is. But nonetheless, I sent him back a message, thinking that if it's a spam message, I won't get another reply. But the message left me wide awake until past midnight. I wanted to pray, but for the life of me, I couldn't utter a single one. I didn't know what to say to Him. Instead, I just cried myself to sleep.

Holy Thursday morning rolled in. And I woke up to a YM message on my iPhone from him. I really couldn't believe it and I asked if it was really him. He asked for my email address because he has something to send me, he said. I gave it to him, but asked him too for a proof that it was him sending me messages. He sent me his pic. By this time, I know that it was really him and not long after, I got his email. I cried while I was reading it. It was exactly what I was praying to happen 2 months ago. And it has happened. Most of the day yesterday, we were talking. We talked about what happened from the time we broke up. He asked if I was dating someone new already and I was honest enough to tell him the truth about this area of my life. He told me something he did while we were not together, I didn't know how to react but if there was one thing that I really cherished with my relationship with him before, it's the honesty. No matter how painful it can be at times, we never lied to each other.

He said sorry for being a jerk to me and that he'd understand if I wouldn't speak to him again. But I did, didn't I? I knew in my heart during those times that I was trying to move on, he was still here in my heart. Because if I had really gotten over him, it would have been easy for me to go out and date here in Manila. But no, I kept my heart guarded all those times. So, I talked to him yesterday. But I know that we have a long way to go, we need to have a lot of time; and a lot of effort have to be exerted if we both wanted this to work this time around.

What we both agreed on is that we will again be talking to each other. But after the pain the last time has given me, I know that I have to be careful now, lest I get hurt again. And that decision he made while we were apart is also something that I really need to think about. He said that there's something that we can do about it eventually, but I don't know yet.

There's no question about it, I still have feelings for him. Given a choice, I'd still want a chance to be with him. But as to where or how far we are going to get this time, I don't know. Much as I hate to say it, somethings have changed since the last time. And I know that this is all part of God's plan.

I still haven't prayed to God, a part of me knows that this is something that I asked from Him but I know that God has His own reasons for letting things happen. If this is something He wants me to go through because I have a lesson to learn, all I am praying is that He spares me from so much pain again (a lot of possible lessons to be learned are coming to me, as I am writing this); on the other hand, if this is something that is happening because this guy and me are meant to be together, then we both have to find out. But both of us have to be patient, ready and open to be in this journey as one; otherwise, this is just another waste of time and emotions.

Thy Will be done, Papa God!

On Marriage and Cheating

I watch local showbiz news every now and then, especially when there's something "big" happening in the local biz, but I can live without it.

Today was just one of those days (when I can live without watching), when the TV was turned on and my mom was watching the local showbiz talk show, "The Buzz". As I was multitasking, my attention wasn't really on the show. Until that segment where they showed the wife of a comedian airing her woes as a legal wife who knows her husband is having an illicit affair with another woman and that she (the legal wife) and all of their 7 kids have been abandoned by the man of the house. As with what is normally seen is such cases, legal wife cries on national TV; begs the erring husband to come back to the family; reminds the mistress of what is "morally" wrong on her relationship with a married man. One of the older children even spoke her mind.

Now, as the month of March is National Women's Month and as someone who values the sanctity of marriage, believes in importance of family and fully abhors cheaters and liars, a part of my heart went to the legal wife and her predicament;but it made me think that if I were in her shoes, I'd have use a different strategy: I wouldn't have begged my erring husband to come back and reform his ways; I wouldn't remind that girl who opted to be just a mistress to let go of my husband.


So, what would have I done? On national television, I will tell my misbehaving husband that he can stay with that lowly woman for all he wants, but I, the legal wife, will never, ever grant him the freedom that he'd need to make his relationship with that lowly woman legal. I, his legal wife, will be forever the legal wife; will forever have that dignity of being the legal wife and she will forever be just that, a lowly mistress. And since he is a well-known comedian here in the country, it goes that he earns a lot. So, this leaves the mistress no hold, whatsoever with his money and properties. Whatever my misbehaving husbands earns, buys and invests in, it is a conjugal property. So yeah, they can have all the fun that they can have with each other, but I remain to be the legal wife, acknowledged by the society and God. And God willing that I outlive my husband, I get to enjoy whatever he's left behind. 

This may be a very emotionally draining move to make. Oftentimes, when an emotional hurt has reached its peak, people tend to take the easy way out. But tell me, if a legal wife surrenders her legal rights, isn't that like totally losing everything to a mere mistress? Also, I don't believe that it's my obligation to remind my husband and his mistress on what is wrong about their relationship. They are after all, adults. So, they should know.

Yeah, I may not fully understand the inner workings of a marriage, because I've never been married yet. But I know as early as now, that should I get married I will tell my future husband that cheating and lying will not have a place in our marriage. If he do either of these two things, then he'd know what he's going to have. I am after all, his legal wife. The woman he chose to be with; vowed to love in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, till death. There is nothing there that said anything about a mistress. 


To my fellow women, we all need to learn how to love ourselves... to fight for our rights, regardless of marital status... to recognize, believe and embrace that we are to be respected.. to uphold that respect, not just for others, but more importantly, for ourselves!

Unofficially Yours (yes, the movie)

Okay, this isn’t an attempt to write a movie review. I don’t think I’ve ever done one but yes, I’ve had my moments when I did tell my friends about my opinions on some movies I've watched.  Also, this entry may contain few spoilers.

Unofficially Yours is a locally produced movie by a respected film production company here in the Philippines. It stars John Lloyd Cruz (Mackie)  and Angel Locsin (Ces). The movie is basically about a relationship that started with a very hot one-night stand on a beach that unexpectedly continued back home in Manila and turned into a complicated one-way thing, emotionally that is, that as what many would predict, found a happy ending.

The movie as a whole is good. In fact, I'd say this is better than previous attempts of the Star Cinema to present a more adult approach when it comes to relationships that exists between a man and a woman.  However as the movie progresses, one can feel the director’s hesitance to continuously stay on this angle; somewhere along the way,  it seemed that director had a change of heart when it comes to the “boldness” of the movie and attempted to put in some “cute” moments between the two lead actors. Undeniably, there is that so-called chemistry between Angel and John Lloyd, but then again, the hesitation by the director can be felt and has at some parts of the movie, made it dragging.

 Between Mackie and Ces’ characters, it was with Mackie’s with whom I have identified more. Ironic huh?! Mackie whose decency wouldn’t allow him to let go of his one-night stand with Ces go unexplained and whose capacity to love is just beyond anything one can imagine (i.e., a former girlfriend wanted to become a Dentist, so Mackie took up the same course, become a Dentist when in fact, what he wanted was to be a writer). To people who aren’t ready to receive this kind of love (in the movie, Ces’ character), this is quite scary. And willingly loving someone without any boundaries and yet being held at an arm’s length is very painful. I know this because I was in that situation not too long ago.

As earlier said, I find this movie better than the earlier films of the same genre from Star Cinema.  And as always, the lines that were written and delivered are the ones that ordinary people can readily relate to.

In summary, the movie imparts the message that in matters of this thing called LOVE, the pains, hurts and struggles of the past shouldn’t get in the way of one’s chance in finding that one person who will willingly love you for what you have been and what you are now.

I really like that scene between Ces and her mother and the exchanges between them, notably, when Ces asked her Mom, who is depicted as someone who goes from one man to another, “Don’t you get of getting hurt by men?” The Mom answered, “It’s not that I don’t get tired of getting hurt, I just don’t get tired of loving”. And Ces asked “why?” and the Mom replied: “Because if I get tired and stop loving, then how will I ever find that person who’s really intended for me?”  Makes sense, right?

I left the theatre feeling better than I have for the last 2 months. No, it didn’t make me ready to get into a new relationship, but somehow, it has answered my question about past hurts affecting the present; and that it is a personal choice whether to let go of those hurts and start trusting again. :) 

Happy watching, everyone! 

One Day at a Time

It's been nearly a month.

I am on my 2nd week of praying the Rosary at night time

And since the 1st night I've said it,  I've been able to sleep better than the 1st two weeks

I've lost weight, something that isn't good for me given the fact that I am already way too thin for my age and height

I'm not crying as hard as I did the 1st two weeks it happened

I only do that now when the longing becomes too much for me

But the sadness remains and I know that it will stay for a long time

No matter how busy I get

No matter how "okay" I look on the outside.

I've stopped asking God to bring him back

But I haven't stopped thinking and worrying for him and the three angels

One thing that I do know is that I am not ready to go out there again and try again

My closest guy friend has tried already to make go out there

 but I told him "No". He is still in my heart; he's still the one I'm longing for"

Until when, I don't know.

I just hope you're okay and happy.

4th Lesson for 2012: Acceptance

Yes, acceptance is the lesson I've re-learned today. And no, not the kind that says "i accept and am letting you go".

Acceptance of my current situation, is what I mean.

So, your mad at me.
Yes, mostly it's my fault.
No, it doesn't change how I feel about you.
Yes, people are telling me to move on, because you might not be worth it.
No, I am not going to do that, because I know that you are worth it.
Yes, you said I whine.
No, I don't. You have to get to know me some more to understand that my voice pitch gets high when I'm trying to be affectionate or when I'm happy or really excited.
Yes, I am a cry-baby.
No, I am not dating anyone here. Not until you tell me that you don't want me anymore, and
Yes, we both know that ain't true as of this time.
No, you're not talking to me now.
Yes, I do miss you and the 3 Angels... a lot.
No, I am not happy with where we are right now
Yes, I will let you be for now.
Until you come to accept that I am the one for you.
And I mean, not just knowing that I am the one for you,
But accepting and embracing me as the one for you.
And we both know that this is pretty much the truth in our lives right now.
As I have dared you to do before, show this to your priest and he will understand what I am trying to give you.

I have learned to accept that you are not with me now. You're not talking to me now. I pissed you off to the highest level you can't talk to me now. I have accepted that it is my fault. I have learned to "sit beside" my loneliness and despair. I just cry and pray because those are the only things I can do when I'm not working.
But, shutting me out of your life doesn't change anything. Maybe, you should try start doing some "accepting" too. Start with the fact that you met me, one hell of a loving woman, albeit with imperfections, one who accepted you as you are, what or who you have or don't have in your life.

But I am not sure how much longer I can stick around. The emotional pain is starting to cost me, physically. And I don't know how much longer before my body gives out  to the stresses. But even so, I know that you're the one for me and if my physical body should give out, I know that my heart will just continue loving you.