Today, April 28 I was able to finally drive through the famed and historical Epifanio Delos Santos Avenue (EDSA)!
I've been driving my own car for 2 years and 7 months now and for the life of me, no one and nothing can make me take EDSA whenever I need to go to Quezon City! Nothing! Until today that is.
I have to go Bulacan for a dear friend's last day of wake and I was thinking of other ways to get to the North Luzon Express (NLEX), but all weren't that appealing to me.
Prior to today, I knew that at some point I have to learn how to use EDSA as my way going to Quezon City mainly because it's the shortest (in terms of distance, that is) way that there is for me. But ever since I got my car, I will, at all cost, avoid driving through EDSA. When people ask me "Why?", I tell them that the buses plying EDSA scares the hell out of me. It will just stress me out and I don't want to be stressed out while driving. In spite of several advice on how to safely drive through EDSA, it's still a "Na-uh"! Which makes my friends shake their heads (or even laugh) at me because they know that I drive without any second thought through the South Luzon and North Luzon Expressways and even the what's called to be the "deadly highway" Commonwealth Avenue. But EDSA? Na-uh!
But today, since my trip will be quite long, I finally decided to brave EDSA. :) And thank God I made it! Yes, today's a Saturday, when traffic's supposed to be light and I can drive through EDSA breezily, but that was not the case earlier. Some parts were being repaired, causing some slowing down of vehicles. A part of me was thankful for this repairs because it enabled me to "observe" EDSA. In terms of the lanes I should be at, etc.
And since the traffic was kinda slow, I was able to take pics using my iPhone as remembrance for this personal achievement :)
But going home, I didn't take EDSA anymore. I took my normal route. I guess I'm not that brave yet. But one day very soon, I'll try EDSA going Southbound!
But for now, I am extremely thankful for this experience!
In my world, there are a lot of friends a lot of happiness a few enemies a lot of envious a lot of love a lot of hope a lot of faith a lot to be thankful for.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Salamat, Manang Ever
Si Manang Ever ay isa sa mga tinatawag na "manghuhula" (psychic) sa kulturang Pinoy. Pero para sa akin, sa higit sampung taon na naging bahagi sya ng buhay ko, naging higit pa sya duon.
Taong 2000 nung una ko siyang nakilala, kapitbahay nya kasi ang ikatlong kuya ko at ang pamilya nito dun sa Quezon City. Nang mga panahon yun, wala akong trabaho at kasalukuyang naghihintay ng resulta ng application ko sa kasalukuyan kong kumpanya. Nasabi lang ng hipag ko na mayroon nga daw marunong manghula dun sa kanila.
Aaminin ko, may certain level of interest ako sa usaping astrology, hula, at mga ganun bagay. Pero wag lang yung mga kulam, etc. So, nagpa-refer ako sa hipag ko.
Unang pagkakataon na "binasahan" ako ni Manang, magaan na agad ang loob ko sa kanya. Generous sya sa oras nya. Di nya ako minadali. Unang basa nya palang, tinanung na nya ako kung may inaantay ba ako tungkol sa usaping trabaho. Sabi ko, Oo. Pero di ako nag-elaborate. Mag-antay ka ng mga 2 linggo, may mababalitaan ka tungkol dito. Nuong mga panahon din na yun, may iniinda akong heartbreak. Ang sabi ni Manang, hayaan mo na. Hindi mo pa panahon mag-asawa, mauuna ang pag unlad mo sa career kesa sa lovelife mo. Pero di ka tatandang dalaga. Makakapag-asawa ka, pero di kasi pwede sa yo ang basta-bastang lalaki, sa maraming kadahilanan. Pero tandaan mo, madami ka pang makikilalang mas higit dyan sa iniiyakan mo.
Kahit na may interest ako sa mga hula-hula, hindi ako yung tipo na magpapa-hula, tapos ime-memorize lahat ng sinabi at aantayin kung magkaka-totoo o hindi. Parang sa akin, entertainment of some sort. Pero may certain level na assurance din naman akong nakukuha. Kasi parang siempre, "may sagot" sa mga tanong ko eh. Nare-realize ko na lang na "tama" yung hula pag nangyayari na, at kadalasan, sobrang late ko pa ma-realize, kasi nga di ko naman tinatandaan.
Di lumipas ang 2 linggo mula nung una nya akong basahan ng baraha, may telegrama nga akong natanggap mula sa kumpanyang pinagsisilbihan ko ngayon. So dali-dali kong inayos ang mga papel hanggang nakapag-simula ako. Ilang buwan na din ang lumipas nga maisip ko si Manang Ever at ang kanyang sinabi. So tinawagan ko, at sinabi ko na Manang, oo nga. Eto na empleyado na ako. Natuwa sya nuon.
Simula nuon, nabuo ang pagiging magka-ibigan namin. Sa paglipas ng mga panahon, hindi na sya basta isang manghuhula na lang. Madalas, pag may bagong pangyayari sa buhay ko, tatawag ako at pupuntahan ko sya, para manghingi ng guidance. Naging hingahan ko na din sya ng mga problema. Naging confidante tungkol sa buhay pag-ibig ko.
Sa loob ng higit sampung taon, hindi miminsan na iiyak ako kay Manang Ever, kasi ang lungkot-lungkot ko sa pinagtatrabahuhan ko gawa ng mga intriga. Hindi miminsan na nagsabi ako kay Manang Ever na "mag-re-resign na ako Manang, Ang hirap ng mga ugali ng mga tao". At sa tuwina, sasabihin nya "Huwag. Kasi may pag unlad ka pa dyan na nakikita ko. May promotion ka pa, Rose. Wag kang aalis." Aaminin ko, hindi dahil sa sinabi ni Manang na may career advancement pa ako kaya ako nanatili. Nang mga panahong yun, maganda ang sahod ko kumpara sa pribadong sektor o sa ibang ahensya ng gobyerno. Kaya nanatili ako.
Nang ma-promote ako bilang Section Chief after barely 3 years in the government service (at sa government, hindi ito pang-karaniwan nuon. Ang kalakaran ng pumasok ako, ugatin ka na bago ka maging Section Chief), tuwang tuwa si Manang para sa akin. Sabi nya "meron pa ulit Rose. Mag-antay ka lang". Ang sagot ko: "Manang, okay na po ako dito. Di ko nga po in-expect na ganito kabilis eh". Pero pilit at paulit-ulit nya pang sinabi na "hindi, meron pa!" Lumipas ang halos limang taon mula nuon, na-promote nga ako ulit bilang Division Chief after merely 8 years of being a government employee.
Sa lahat ng success ko sa career, si Manang Ever ang unang-una natutuwa para sa akin, outside my family.
Sa lahat ng failures ko sa lovelife, si Manang Ever din ang unang sumbungan ko. Pag may bago akong boylet na kinaka-interesan, ikukuento ko sa kanya yun. Dumating ako sa puntong nakaramdam na ako ng takot na baka wala na. Ang sabi nya Hindi, meron Rose. Nauna lang ang career mo.
Sa sampung taon, madami panahon sa buhay ko na insecure ako, si Manang Ever ang naiisip kong tawagan at kuentuhan nito. Sa kanya ko naririnig na "meron. Wag kang matakot. May pag asa yan".
Last January 2012, nalaman ni Manang Ever na may bukol sya sa Pancreas nya. Nang tawagan ko sya para kumustahin, sinabi lang nya na "may bukol ako sa pancreas ko, Di daw pwedeng operahin sabi ng doctor". Sa boses pa lang nya, dinig ko na ang lungkot nya. Di ko tinanung kung cancerous ba yung bukol, dahil takot ako. Takot akong marinig na tama ang intindi ko sa sinabi nya at sa tono ng boses nya; takot din akong ma-offend ko sya kung sakali man na hindi naman cancerous pala.
Huli namin pagkikita February 2012, pinuntahan ko sya dinalhan ng mga herbal supplements. Payat na sya at halatang depressed na. Inulit ko ang tanong na "ano daw ba yang nakita Manang?". Muli ang sagot nya: Bukol sa pancreas. Sinabi nya na ang nagpapalakas ng loob nya ay kameng mga kaibigan nya na nagbibigay suporta sa kanya. Sabi nya pa "ang mga dasal nyo ang nagpapalakas sa akin". Alam ko na nung mga oras na yun na malala ang sakit nya. Alam ko na na pancreatic cancer, kahit di nya sinabi at inamin sa akin. Pero umasa ako na may panahon pa. Binasahan nya pa ako ulit nung araw na yun. Tiningnan nya yung "estado" ng relationship ko sa isang guy. Sinabi nya na "wag na Rose. May darating pang isa. Mas higit dito sa nanakit sa yo ngayon".
Simula nuon, di ko na sya nadalaw ulit. Pero natawagan ko pa sya early part ng Marso. Matamlay na talaga ang boses nya. Pero puro pagpapasalamat pa din sya.
Late March, tumawag ako ulit para mangumusta. Dun ko nalaman na umuwi na sa Bulacan si Manang at ng mga oras na yun ay naka-confine sa isang private hospital sa San Fernando, Pampanga. Nagulat ako. Pero dun ko na confirm na late stage Pancreatic Cancer nga ang kanyang sakit. Pati ang liver nya ay may tama na daw. Simula nuon, katext ko na ang pamankin ni Manang Ever na nurse. Sa kanya ako nakakakuha ng update.
April 25, 2012 pag gising ko, isang text message ang nakita ko at ang tanging sabi ay "wala na si tita Ever, kagabi bandang 10pm". Natulala ako. Pero pinilit kong wag malungkot. Ang reply ko lang sa text na yun ay kung saan ang burol at kelan ang libing. Puntahan ko na lang sa burol 'kako.
Alam ko sa sarili ko na di pwedeng di ako pumunta at mag-paalam sa huling pagkakataon sa isang kaibigan ko. Kaya kahit di ko kabisado ang San Ildefonso, Bulacan at wala akong makakasama, alam kong kakayanin ko para kay Manang Ever.
Pumunta ako kanina. Sa huling araw ng lamay ni Manang Ever ko. Nuon ko lang nakita si Manang na naka-make-up at naka -formal wear. Ang ganda ng kanyang Filipiniana inspired gown. Nuon ko lang sya nakitang naka lipstick. Sa loob ng isang kabaong. Naiyak ako sa harap nya. Bigla ko naramdaman ang pagkawala nya. Wala na nga si Manang Ever ko.
Nakipag-kwentuhan ako sa pamankin nyang Nurse. Ang sabi ni Maritess, hanggang sa huli, di naging pabigat si Manang sa kanila. Kanina ko din lang nalaman na si Manang Ever ko pala ay isang Certified Public Accountant. Napaka-humble.
Sa kanyang pagkawala, madami kameng nangungulila sa kanya. Alam ko din sa sarili ko na hindi na ako "magpapahula" pa sa iba.
Bago ako umalis sa lamay, lumapit ako ulit sa kanyang kabaong at bumulong na "Sa huling pagkakataon, ba-bye Manang at maraming, maraming salamat sa lahat lahat".
Salamat, Manang Ever. Sa lahat ng paalala mo sa akin. Sa lahat ng assurance mo pag talagang in doubt ako. Sa wala mong sawang pakikinig sa mga hinaing ko tungkol sa pera, sa mga boylets, sa trabaho. Sa pagpapatibay mo ng loob ko tuwing gusto ko na lang sumuko.Alam ko na masaya at tahimik ka na ngayon. Alam ko din na patuloy kang nandyan para sa amin. Salamat.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
My First Encounter with Father Fernando Suarez
Yesterday, Saturday April 14, 2012 I went to hear a healing mass by Father Fernando Suarez. To most Catholics around the world, his name is synonymous to healing. His website would tell you the information about him.
I've first heard of Father Suarez around 2006, when there was a healing mass to be held in our office and the organizers were pre-registering the names of the sick who wishes to be healed. I didn't pay attention back then. After that, I'd hear his name time and again.
Fast forward to a day in 2011, my mom mentioned that she wants to visit Father Suarez's place in Tagaytay. But we never got around to it. Until last week, when she told me that one of our neighbors have listed her name for the healing mass at Glorietta Mall, Makati. She asked me Friday night if I was going to go with them and I said yes, more out of the fact that I wanted to personally assist my mom than experiencing the healing mass.
Then on the day itself, I was having 2nd thoughts about going with them. I was tired from a heavy week at work and I was thinking of just staying home to rest the whole weekend. A part of me was also starting to think "what do I need to be healed from? I'm fine physically". But another part of me was also telling me "you need to go, not just for your mom but you need to be healed from a lot of things and you know it because you can't sleep anymore with all the emotional baggages you've been carrying for a long time". Sometime mid-morning I told my mom that I won't be going anymore and she got got irked with this and chastised me. I decided to take a nap and will just decide afterwards. I woke up at 2:30 pm from my nap and decided that I will join my mom and my neighbors to the mass. And so we went to Glorietta.
Upon reaching the activity center where the mass was going to be held, there was a "one-ticket, one person" policy. Needless to say, I didn't have a ticket. I told my mom and my neighbor that it's okay, I can just stand outside the area and I'd still be able to hear the Mass. I'd just wait for them outside.
And I did just that. I stood outside the designated area and was already thinking of going to Greenbelt chapel to attend an anticipated mass or just sit there and spend time with God (minus Father Suarez), when a woman suddenly approached me and asked "Miss, wala kang tiket? (Miss, you don't have a ticket?)" and I replied in the affirmative. Then she gave me one. She was supposed to go with a friend but her friend didn't show up. At that very moment, I knew that I was meant to be there. And as if God really wants me to be sure that I am invited to that celebration, another woman approached me and gave me another ticket! So now I have two tickets! I saw a couple waiting outside and it looked to me that the wife really wanted to go in, so I approached her and gave her my extra ticket. I also told her to just wait for a while and someone might be kind enough to give her a ticket so that her husband can get in.
While waiting for the mass to start, I still wasn't sure what to ask from God, I mean to heal me from what? Then Father Suarez came out and started the celebration. In his opening message, he emphasized that the fact that we were all there, some even coming from far flung provinces, is enough to know that God sees us, He knows each and every one of our needs, that God is pouring His infinite mercy on each and everyone of us. Father Suarez reminded us also not to be shy in taking God's mercy.
I like the story he shared with us that when he first received his gift, he had doubts whether this gift was from God or the devil. I like it because it showed the human side of Father Suarez. I mean he is human, but to be given a gift something like his, I know that it's not ordinary and not easy. At the start, he even had doubts whether the gift was from God or from the devil.
The Gospel was the story of the apostle Thomas. Yes, THE Doubting Thomas. Father Suarez emphasized how blessed we are who lives in this day and age when Jesus no longer roams the earth, yet we believe in Him. Unlike the apostles who have spent time with the Son of God and yet they still have their doubts.
During the mass, I was still unsure what to ask from God. Then I closed my eyes, and just felt the tears pouring. I was thanking Him for everything good in my life. And I was begging Him to take away everything that isn't good. The loneliness, the pain, the hatred, the bitterness, the fear. I asked for His forgiveness for everything, too.
After the mass, that's when the healing service began. I belonged to the last batches of people who lined up for the healing service because I got in late. This gave me time to watch as Father Suarez laid his healing hands on the afflicted. I saw people being slain in the spirit. And it gave me goose bumps seeing those. In that moment, my mind was telling me that I was seeing Father Suarez, but my heart knew it was God's who was working on this people and briefly, I had a glimpse of what it was like during the time of Jesus when people would do anything just to touch His cloak or even be just in His presence. To my limited human mind and standard, Father Suarez isn't someone whom I will refer to as handsome. But he's got an aura that made his face so peaceful, serene and divine. I knew that I was seeing God in Him at that very moment.
When it was my turn to stand in front and be touched by Father Suarez, he touched me on my on my left shoulder, but I grabbed his hand and held it for a few moments. I was at lost for words. I didn't know what to ask God while I was holding the hand of His beloved son. But I felt that Father Suarez wasn't in a hurry to let go of my hand that moment when I grabbed it despite the others who are also in need of it. He stayed there until I let go of his hand. On a hindsight, I felt that God was there, it was His hand I was holding onto and He never hurried me up to let go of His hand, because He knew how much I needed it. I let go of Father Suarez's hands after a few seconds as I knew that there were still others who needed those hands more than I do. But it was enough for me.
I came home feeling lighter and much more at peace. I woke up feeling light hearted. And thankful for the encounter that I had with Father Fernando Suarez.
I've first heard of Father Suarez around 2006, when there was a healing mass to be held in our office and the organizers were pre-registering the names of the sick who wishes to be healed. I didn't pay attention back then. After that, I'd hear his name time and again.
Fast forward to a day in 2011, my mom mentioned that she wants to visit Father Suarez's place in Tagaytay. But we never got around to it. Until last week, when she told me that one of our neighbors have listed her name for the healing mass at Glorietta Mall, Makati. She asked me Friday night if I was going to go with them and I said yes, more out of the fact that I wanted to personally assist my mom than experiencing the healing mass.
Then on the day itself, I was having 2nd thoughts about going with them. I was tired from a heavy week at work and I was thinking of just staying home to rest the whole weekend. A part of me was also starting to think "what do I need to be healed from? I'm fine physically". But another part of me was also telling me "you need to go, not just for your mom but you need to be healed from a lot of things and you know it because you can't sleep anymore with all the emotional baggages you've been carrying for a long time". Sometime mid-morning I told my mom that I won't be going anymore and she got got irked with this and chastised me. I decided to take a nap and will just decide afterwards. I woke up at 2:30 pm from my nap and decided that I will join my mom and my neighbors to the mass. And so we went to Glorietta.
Upon reaching the activity center where the mass was going to be held, there was a "one-ticket, one person" policy. Needless to say, I didn't have a ticket. I told my mom and my neighbor that it's okay, I can just stand outside the area and I'd still be able to hear the Mass. I'd just wait for them outside.
And I did just that. I stood outside the designated area and was already thinking of going to Greenbelt chapel to attend an anticipated mass or just sit there and spend time with God (minus Father Suarez), when a woman suddenly approached me and asked "Miss, wala kang tiket? (Miss, you don't have a ticket?)" and I replied in the affirmative. Then she gave me one. She was supposed to go with a friend but her friend didn't show up. At that very moment, I knew that I was meant to be there. And as if God really wants me to be sure that I am invited to that celebration, another woman approached me and gave me another ticket! So now I have two tickets! I saw a couple waiting outside and it looked to me that the wife really wanted to go in, so I approached her and gave her my extra ticket. I also told her to just wait for a while and someone might be kind enough to give her a ticket so that her husband can get in.
While waiting for the mass to start, I still wasn't sure what to ask from God, I mean to heal me from what? Then Father Suarez came out and started the celebration. In his opening message, he emphasized that the fact that we were all there, some even coming from far flung provinces, is enough to know that God sees us, He knows each and every one of our needs, that God is pouring His infinite mercy on each and everyone of us. Father Suarez reminded us also not to be shy in taking God's mercy.
I like the story he shared with us that when he first received his gift, he had doubts whether this gift was from God or the devil. I like it because it showed the human side of Father Suarez. I mean he is human, but to be given a gift something like his, I know that it's not ordinary and not easy. At the start, he even had doubts whether the gift was from God or from the devil.
The Gospel was the story of the apostle Thomas. Yes, THE Doubting Thomas. Father Suarez emphasized how blessed we are who lives in this day and age when Jesus no longer roams the earth, yet we believe in Him. Unlike the apostles who have spent time with the Son of God and yet they still have their doubts.
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| I was on the 2nd floor already and only had my iPhone to take this pic |
After the mass, that's when the healing service began. I belonged to the last batches of people who lined up for the healing service because I got in late. This gave me time to watch as Father Suarez laid his healing hands on the afflicted. I saw people being slain in the spirit. And it gave me goose bumps seeing those. In that moment, my mind was telling me that I was seeing Father Suarez, but my heart knew it was God's who was working on this people and briefly, I had a glimpse of what it was like during the time of Jesus when people would do anything just to touch His cloak or even be just in His presence. To my limited human mind and standard, Father Suarez isn't someone whom I will refer to as handsome. But he's got an aura that made his face so peaceful, serene and divine. I knew that I was seeing God in Him at that very moment.
When it was my turn to stand in front and be touched by Father Suarez, he touched me on my on my left shoulder, but I grabbed his hand and held it for a few moments. I was at lost for words. I didn't know what to ask God while I was holding the hand of His beloved son. But I felt that Father Suarez wasn't in a hurry to let go of my hand that moment when I grabbed it despite the others who are also in need of it. He stayed there until I let go of his hand. On a hindsight, I felt that God was there, it was His hand I was holding onto and He never hurried me up to let go of His hand, because He knew how much I needed it. I let go of Father Suarez's hands after a few seconds as I knew that there were still others who needed those hands more than I do. But it was enough for me.
I came home feeling lighter and much more at peace. I woke up feeling light hearted. And thankful for the encounter that I had with Father Fernando Suarez.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Thy Will Be Done
This Holy Wednesday, I got a YM message from someone who was dear to me in the latter part of 2011 until mid-January 2012. This person also caused me so much pain when he left. But in mid-February, I saw an FB post of his that he's started seeing someone new and that's when I stopped hoping.
Hard and sad as it was, I started moving on. It helped that I have a new work assignment and it consumed most of my time. But I was careful not to overdo it at work, lest I find myself working like I did (14 hours a day, 6-7 days a week) again. I found solace at my work; at the Church and in being alone. While I was trying to heal myself, I isolated myself from my friends for like 2 months.
But there were days when I'd asked myself if I'm doing the right thing. Not to mention the nights when everything's still and much as I tried to fight it, my thoughts would go to him and the angels.By then, I knew there's nothing more I can do. I just wished him the best and continued to pray for him.
Then last Wednesday night, tired from an extra heavy week at work, I was contentedly anticipating the 5-day weekend when upon checking my email, I saw an offline message from this person. He just wanted to say "Hi!" I was stunned; speechless for the 1st minute. I was thinking that maybe, it's something of a "spam" message; knowing how Yahoo is. But nonetheless, I sent him back a message, thinking that if it's a spam message, I won't get another reply. But the message left me wide awake until past midnight. I wanted to pray, but for the life of me, I couldn't utter a single one. I didn't know what to say to Him. Instead, I just cried myself to sleep.
Holy Thursday morning rolled in. And I woke up to a YM message on my iPhone from him. I really couldn't believe it and I asked if it was really him. He asked for my email address because he has something to send me, he said. I gave it to him, but asked him too for a proof that it was him sending me messages. He sent me his pic. By this time, I know that it was really him and not long after, I got his email. I cried while I was reading it. It was exactly what I was praying to happen 2 months ago. And it has happened. Most of the day yesterday, we were talking. We talked about what happened from the time we broke up. He asked if I was dating someone new already and I was honest enough to tell him the truth about this area of my life. He told me something he did while we were not together, I didn't know how to react but if there was one thing that I really cherished with my relationship with him before, it's the honesty. No matter how painful it can be at times, we never lied to each other.
He said sorry for being a jerk to me and that he'd understand if I wouldn't speak to him again. But I did, didn't I? I knew in my heart during those times that I was trying to move on, he was still here in my heart. Because if I had really gotten over him, it would have been easy for me to go out and date here in Manila. But no, I kept my heart guarded all those times. So, I talked to him yesterday. But I know that we have a long way to go, we need to have a lot of time; and a lot of effort have to be exerted if we both wanted this to work this time around.
What we both agreed on is that we will again be talking to each other. But after the pain the last time has given me, I know that I have to be careful now, lest I get hurt again. And that decision he made while we were apart is also something that I really need to think about. He said that there's something that we can do about it eventually, but I don't know yet.
There's no question about it, I still have feelings for him. Given a choice, I'd still want a chance to be with him. But as to where or how far we are going to get this time, I don't know. Much as I hate to say it, somethings have changed since the last time. And I know that this is all part of God's plan.
I still haven't prayed to God, a part of me knows that this is something that I asked from Him but I know that God has His own reasons for letting things happen. If this is something He wants me to go through because I have a lesson to learn, all I am praying is that He spares me from so much pain again (a lot of possible lessons to be learned are coming to me, as I am writing this); on the other hand, if this is something that is happening because this guy and me are meant to be together, then we both have to find out. But both of us have to be patient, ready and open to be in this journey as one; otherwise, this is just another waste of time and emotions.
Thy Will be done, Papa God!
Hard and sad as it was, I started moving on. It helped that I have a new work assignment and it consumed most of my time. But I was careful not to overdo it at work, lest I find myself working like I did (14 hours a day, 6-7 days a week) again. I found solace at my work; at the Church and in being alone. While I was trying to heal myself, I isolated myself from my friends for like 2 months.
But there were days when I'd asked myself if I'm doing the right thing. Not to mention the nights when everything's still and much as I tried to fight it, my thoughts would go to him and the angels.By then, I knew there's nothing more I can do. I just wished him the best and continued to pray for him.
Then last Wednesday night, tired from an extra heavy week at work, I was contentedly anticipating the 5-day weekend when upon checking my email, I saw an offline message from this person. He just wanted to say "Hi!" I was stunned; speechless for the 1st minute. I was thinking that maybe, it's something of a "spam" message; knowing how Yahoo is. But nonetheless, I sent him back a message, thinking that if it's a spam message, I won't get another reply. But the message left me wide awake until past midnight. I wanted to pray, but for the life of me, I couldn't utter a single one. I didn't know what to say to Him. Instead, I just cried myself to sleep.
Holy Thursday morning rolled in. And I woke up to a YM message on my iPhone from him. I really couldn't believe it and I asked if it was really him. He asked for my email address because he has something to send me, he said. I gave it to him, but asked him too for a proof that it was him sending me messages. He sent me his pic. By this time, I know that it was really him and not long after, I got his email. I cried while I was reading it. It was exactly what I was praying to happen 2 months ago. And it has happened. Most of the day yesterday, we were talking. We talked about what happened from the time we broke up. He asked if I was dating someone new already and I was honest enough to tell him the truth about this area of my life. He told me something he did while we were not together, I didn't know how to react but if there was one thing that I really cherished with my relationship with him before, it's the honesty. No matter how painful it can be at times, we never lied to each other.
He said sorry for being a jerk to me and that he'd understand if I wouldn't speak to him again. But I did, didn't I? I knew in my heart during those times that I was trying to move on, he was still here in my heart. Because if I had really gotten over him, it would have been easy for me to go out and date here in Manila. But no, I kept my heart guarded all those times. So, I talked to him yesterday. But I know that we have a long way to go, we need to have a lot of time; and a lot of effort have to be exerted if we both wanted this to work this time around.
What we both agreed on is that we will again be talking to each other. But after the pain the last time has given me, I know that I have to be careful now, lest I get hurt again. And that decision he made while we were apart is also something that I really need to think about. He said that there's something that we can do about it eventually, but I don't know yet.
There's no question about it, I still have feelings for him. Given a choice, I'd still want a chance to be with him. But as to where or how far we are going to get this time, I don't know. Much as I hate to say it, somethings have changed since the last time. And I know that this is all part of God's plan.
I still haven't prayed to God, a part of me knows that this is something that I asked from Him but I know that God has His own reasons for letting things happen. If this is something He wants me to go through because I have a lesson to learn, all I am praying is that He spares me from so much pain again (a lot of possible lessons to be learned are coming to me, as I am writing this); on the other hand, if this is something that is happening because this guy and me are meant to be together, then we both have to find out. But both of us have to be patient, ready and open to be in this journey as one; otherwise, this is just another waste of time and emotions.
Thy Will be done, Papa God!
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