Yes, acceptance is the lesson I've re-learned today. And no, not the kind that says "i accept and am letting you go".
Acceptance of my current situation, is what I mean.
So, your mad at me.
Yes, mostly it's my fault.
No, it doesn't change how I feel about you.
Yes, people are telling me to move on, because you might not be worth it.
No, I am not going to do that, because I know that you are worth it.
Yes, you said I whine.
No, I don't. You have to get to know me some more to understand that my voice pitch gets high when I'm trying to be affectionate or when I'm happy or really excited.
Yes, I am a cry-baby.
No, I am not dating anyone here. Not until you tell me that you don't want me anymore, and
Yes, we both know that ain't true as of this time.
No, you're not talking to me now.
Yes, I do miss you and the 3 Angels... a lot.
No, I am not happy with where we are right now
Yes, I will let you be for now.
Until you come to accept that I am the one for you.
And I mean, not just knowing that I am the one for you,
But accepting and embracing me as the one for you.
And we both know that this is pretty much the truth in our lives right now.
As I have dared you to do before, show this to your priest and he will understand what I am trying to give you.
I have learned to accept that you are not with me now. You're not talking to me now. I pissed you off to the highest level you can't talk to me now. I have accepted that it is my fault. I have learned to "sit beside" my loneliness and despair. I just cry and pray because those are the only things I can do when I'm not working.
But, shutting me out of your life doesn't change anything. Maybe, you should try start doing some "accepting" too. Start with the fact that you met me, one hell of a loving woman, albeit with imperfections, one who accepted you as you are, what or who you have or don't have in your life.
But I am not sure how much longer I can stick around. The emotional pain is starting to cost me, physically. And I don't know how much longer before my body gives out to the stresses. But even so, I know that you're the one for me and if my physical body should give out, I know that my heart will just continue loving you.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Thursday, January 19, 2012
3rd Lesson for 2012: UNDERSTANDING
I was looking for a work-related digital file on my computer today at the office and by accident, I clicked on a Word file which opened to the article I am sharing below. I remember that I got hold of this article because someone forwarded this to me via eMail, unfortunately, I can't remember who sent it to me. :(
I believe that this is also God's way of telling me what I had missed last week: Totally understanding my guy. Yep, to the best of my knowledge, I was being understanding. But it doesn't change the fact that most of my actions towards him during that time were triggered by my deep-seated fears from the past (and yes, he's not perfect, he did have some of his own deep seated fears too!), but what I failed to do during that time was to really understand where he is coming from.
So I am sharing the article below supposedly written by Mr. Francis Kong. I am saying "supposedly" because I never saw the article in it's original form, neither am I subscribed to Mr. Kong's website. But I am familiar with him from his TV guestings. :)
I like the last part the most, where it says one shouldn't assume that a marriage (or in our case, relationship) will work, but one needs to work on his/her own marriage (relationship) every day. So, here it goes, the article that made me re-think the whole mess I mostly made, and I am hoping you get to read this too and hopefully, reconsider our situation.
-------
Call me old fashioned but today I want to talk to business people on the topic of marriage. The Ilocana and I have spent more than half of our lives together. We’ve been through the thick and the thin of life and I don’t mean waistlines. Started life as a couple, had dreams and looked at each other’s eyes in candlelit bistros when we were both single and skinny.
God has been gracious. Blesses us with 3 children we’re proud of, a decent roof over our heads and humble businesses that are growing and debt-free. We’ve had disagreements but we know what to do. When one is flaring up the other one just keeps quiet. Let the “tropical depression” pass first and then discuss the matter. The kids see this. This is why they know how to handle disagreements agreeably.
Maintaining a good marriage is not walk in the park. This reminds me of a story. A conversation took place between husband and wife: Wife: 'What are you doing?' Husband: “Nothing.” Wife: ‘Nothing? You are so sweet. You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.' Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.' It is not true that most marriages fail. What is true is that most people in the marriage allow it to fail. And what causes this? “WORDS!” Simple yet so sinister. Looks harmless yet so hurtful. While words carry the power to heal, it also carries the power to harm and the truth is that hurting words seem to outnumber healing words everywhere you go. Words may even go unnoticed and it operates covertly. “I’m sorry but don’t love you anymore...” Oh that really hurts and penetrates deep into the recesses of the soul. And the deterioration accelerates at this point. Some people add a lot more chili into the enchilada by saying: “I don’t love you anymore and I am not sure I ever did.” “I’m leaving you. I need more space.” Sounds like the words come straight out of a soap opera series but this scene does happen. Now what do you do? Get a lawyer, go to a counselor? Pack up your things and go to your mother?
Consider this scene in your mind. You’re in a mall. Your child wants something and you are not willing to buy him. He goes into a tantrum. He shouts, he screams and for those who are undisciplined even tried to hit his mother. Does the mother hit him back? Does the mother put him up for adoption? Does the mother sue her son? No. She ducks; she does nothing because she wants to make sure that she will not “reward” the tantrum and the behavior. The one principle she understands is that she will not be taking the tantrum personally because it’s not about her.
There are many men out there who would not admit it but they are actually in some kind of tantrum experiences. They look at the mirror and are shocked to see the lines and wrinkles on his face. The gray hair comes, some hair disappear. The energy level is no longer high and the younger, tech savvy arrogant kids are threatening to take over his job. His career has reached a plateau. His personal trajectory is no longer arcing upward and it’s more like a flat line on a heart monitor. This gets to even the best of them. “I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did.” “I want more space.” Sometimes these are not serious words. These are merely tantrum words. So how should you respond? Cry? Weep? Go into a tantrum yourself and recite a litany of the sacrifices you’ve made through the years? But these would have been predictable. Maybe what you need to do is to make sure you are calm, controlled and composed and say: “I don’t believe you.” This is wise and deep. Because whether he means it or not you may not be able to change his mind. What you can do is to control your responses. “You’re no longer the same woman I used to know.” Wow! That may pack a mean punch. But what you need to decide is, “Is this relationship big enough and important enough to fight for?”
Maybe this next line would carry the weight of a potential counter punch. “I don’t know how and what you feel at the moment but it will not be powerful enough to stop me from continuing to love you and support you.” And then you give him space. Give him time to figure things out. There are many men out there who are having mid-life tantrums. These advices may not work all the time but you are still responsible for living your life well and doing your best to care for your family. But the one thing I know works best. Pray. Pray that God would use this opportunity to bring the two of you to a personal relationship with Christ in a more intimate way. Do not let tantrum words destroy what God has put together. Erma Bombeck says: “Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.”
Don’t just assume your marriage will work. Work on your marriage every day. You don’t just grow your business; you grow in your marriage relationship as well.
I believe that this is also God's way of telling me what I had missed last week: Totally understanding my guy. Yep, to the best of my knowledge, I was being understanding. But it doesn't change the fact that most of my actions towards him during that time were triggered by my deep-seated fears from the past (and yes, he's not perfect, he did have some of his own deep seated fears too!), but what I failed to do during that time was to really understand where he is coming from.
So I am sharing the article below supposedly written by Mr. Francis Kong. I am saying "supposedly" because I never saw the article in it's original form, neither am I subscribed to Mr. Kong's website. But I am familiar with him from his TV guestings. :)
I like the last part the most, where it says one shouldn't assume that a marriage (or in our case, relationship) will work, but one needs to work on his/her own marriage (relationship) every day. So, here it goes, the article that made me re-think the whole mess I mostly made, and I am hoping you get to read this too and hopefully, reconsider our situation.
-------
TANTRUM WORDS by Francis Kong
Call me old fashioned but today I want to talk to business people on the topic of marriage. The Ilocana and I have spent more than half of our lives together. We’ve been through the thick and the thin of life and I don’t mean waistlines. Started life as a couple, had dreams and looked at each other’s eyes in candlelit bistros when we were both single and skinny.
God has been gracious. Blesses us with 3 children we’re proud of, a decent roof over our heads and humble businesses that are growing and debt-free. We’ve had disagreements but we know what to do. When one is flaring up the other one just keeps quiet. Let the “tropical depression” pass first and then discuss the matter. The kids see this. This is why they know how to handle disagreements agreeably.
Maintaining a good marriage is not walk in the park. This reminds me of a story. A conversation took place between husband and wife: Wife: 'What are you doing?' Husband: “Nothing.” Wife: ‘Nothing? You are so sweet. You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.' Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.' It is not true that most marriages fail. What is true is that most people in the marriage allow it to fail. And what causes this? “WORDS!” Simple yet so sinister. Looks harmless yet so hurtful. While words carry the power to heal, it also carries the power to harm and the truth is that hurting words seem to outnumber healing words everywhere you go. Words may even go unnoticed and it operates covertly. “I’m sorry but don’t love you anymore...” Oh that really hurts and penetrates deep into the recesses of the soul. And the deterioration accelerates at this point. Some people add a lot more chili into the enchilada by saying: “I don’t love you anymore and I am not sure I ever did.” “I’m leaving you. I need more space.” Sounds like the words come straight out of a soap opera series but this scene does happen. Now what do you do? Get a lawyer, go to a counselor? Pack up your things and go to your mother?
Consider this scene in your mind. You’re in a mall. Your child wants something and you are not willing to buy him. He goes into a tantrum. He shouts, he screams and for those who are undisciplined even tried to hit his mother. Does the mother hit him back? Does the mother put him up for adoption? Does the mother sue her son? No. She ducks; she does nothing because she wants to make sure that she will not “reward” the tantrum and the behavior. The one principle she understands is that she will not be taking the tantrum personally because it’s not about her.
There are many men out there who would not admit it but they are actually in some kind of tantrum experiences. They look at the mirror and are shocked to see the lines and wrinkles on his face. The gray hair comes, some hair disappear. The energy level is no longer high and the younger, tech savvy arrogant kids are threatening to take over his job. His career has reached a plateau. His personal trajectory is no longer arcing upward and it’s more like a flat line on a heart monitor. This gets to even the best of them. “I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did.” “I want more space.” Sometimes these are not serious words. These are merely tantrum words. So how should you respond? Cry? Weep? Go into a tantrum yourself and recite a litany of the sacrifices you’ve made through the years? But these would have been predictable. Maybe what you need to do is to make sure you are calm, controlled and composed and say: “I don’t believe you.” This is wise and deep. Because whether he means it or not you may not be able to change his mind. What you can do is to control your responses. “You’re no longer the same woman I used to know.” Wow! That may pack a mean punch. But what you need to decide is, “Is this relationship big enough and important enough to fight for?”
Maybe this next line would carry the weight of a potential counter punch. “I don’t know how and what you feel at the moment but it will not be powerful enough to stop me from continuing to love you and support you.” And then you give him space. Give him time to figure things out. There are many men out there who are having mid-life tantrums. These advices may not work all the time but you are still responsible for living your life well and doing your best to care for your family. But the one thing I know works best. Pray. Pray that God would use this opportunity to bring the two of you to a personal relationship with Christ in a more intimate way. Do not let tantrum words destroy what God has put together. Erma Bombeck says: “Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.”
Don’t just assume your marriage will work. Work on your marriage every day. You don’t just grow your business; you grow in your marriage relationship as well.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
2nd Lesson for 2012: Hoping
It's been nearly a week since that evening, when everything that has been going downhill from the 1st week of January, has finally hit rock bottom. The pain was just too much for me, it left me feeling dazed. I knew that I just couldn't keep crying and have the world stop because I'm in this situation. With this thought, I tried to carry on. I still am.
The day after it happened, I cleaned my room. I got rid of a lot of old stuff. I guess, figuratively, I was doing some sort of a cleansing; of what? I don't know. And this went on until the following day. If there was one good thing that came out of it, I guess it's the fact that I got a cleaner house. I dreaded the nights when I knew I had nothing else to do but to sleep; and I was afraid that sleep wouldn't come to me that easily which would in turn, make my mind go into overdrive thinking a lot of things and this person.
I talked to a guy friend about what happened. And though his words made me feel a whole lot better, I knew in my heart, that I am still where I am at: sad, depressed, lonely and longing for that person. I texted a handful of friends about what happened, and yes, even those who felt that this is something "they saw coming"; those who were quick enough to judge this guy. I also deactivated my Facebook account. I didn't give the details anymore, and one was circumspect enough not to ask for it. She knew, without me saying a word, how difficult this is for me. She tried to console, she tried to offer words of inspiration and encouragement, but I told her I couldn't really appreciate it for now and that I was literally, trying to get through an hour at a time. Ha! It wasn't even a day at a time. I was just grateful for every hour that I was able to get through that wasn't spent crying or feeling desolate.
By Monday, I felt that I was better than the weekend that has just passed. By God's grace, there were plenty of things for me to focus on at work. But at the end of the day, I felt so exhausted and I knew it has nothing to do with work stuff. I dropped by the Church again, and once again fell on my knee and begged the Lord. Begged Him hard!
I always believed that God sees everyone's heart. I always believed that God grants every prayer; not always in the form or manner we expect it to be answered, but every prayer is answered. But this time, as I was begging Him, I told Him in full details what I wanted and that I wanted no less. I knew this wasn't really right. You don't get to tell God how He should answer your prayers, right? But as I go to Church these days and talk to Him, I am not talking to Him as one of His creations; I'm begging Him like a child does to a father.
Praying and begging to Him has continued to light the hope in my heart. The hope that one day, this person will talk to me again and we move on together from there. But hoping never takes away the sadness and loneliness that being apart from this person brings. It never stops the tears that fall without any provocation at night before I go to sleep. It never stops the worry if he's okay; if he has eaten on time or drank enough water for the day to avoid dehydration; if he's having bad asthma attack or taken his asthma meds on time; or if the 3 angels are good and well, especially the two who are celebrating their birthdays next week.
For now, I know that there's not a single thing that I can do but to pray, wait and hope. For now, all my worries will have to be left at God's hands. I believe that He's taking care of them for now that I can't do it myself. For now, I am still taking it a day at a time; keeping to myself mostly and trying to find peace in solitude. As my guy friend has said Angels speak to you when there is silence.
I am really hoping that one day, you'd find it in your heart to talk to me again. And for you to realize that there is someone waiting for you. For now, I shall leave you and the 3 angels under the care of Papa God.
Until then!
The day after it happened, I cleaned my room. I got rid of a lot of old stuff. I guess, figuratively, I was doing some sort of a cleansing; of what? I don't know. And this went on until the following day. If there was one good thing that came out of it, I guess it's the fact that I got a cleaner house. I dreaded the nights when I knew I had nothing else to do but to sleep; and I was afraid that sleep wouldn't come to me that easily which would in turn, make my mind go into overdrive thinking a lot of things and this person.
I talked to a guy friend about what happened. And though his words made me feel a whole lot better, I knew in my heart, that I am still where I am at: sad, depressed, lonely and longing for that person. I texted a handful of friends about what happened, and yes, even those who felt that this is something "they saw coming"; those who were quick enough to judge this guy. I also deactivated my Facebook account. I didn't give the details anymore, and one was circumspect enough not to ask for it. She knew, without me saying a word, how difficult this is for me. She tried to console, she tried to offer words of inspiration and encouragement, but I told her I couldn't really appreciate it for now and that I was literally, trying to get through an hour at a time. Ha! It wasn't even a day at a time. I was just grateful for every hour that I was able to get through that wasn't spent crying or feeling desolate.
By Monday, I felt that I was better than the weekend that has just passed. By God's grace, there were plenty of things for me to focus on at work. But at the end of the day, I felt so exhausted and I knew it has nothing to do with work stuff. I dropped by the Church again, and once again fell on my knee and begged the Lord. Begged Him hard!
I always believed that God sees everyone's heart. I always believed that God grants every prayer; not always in the form or manner we expect it to be answered, but every prayer is answered. But this time, as I was begging Him, I told Him in full details what I wanted and that I wanted no less. I knew this wasn't really right. You don't get to tell God how He should answer your prayers, right? But as I go to Church these days and talk to Him, I am not talking to Him as one of His creations; I'm begging Him like a child does to a father.
Praying and begging to Him has continued to light the hope in my heart. The hope that one day, this person will talk to me again and we move on together from there. But hoping never takes away the sadness and loneliness that being apart from this person brings. It never stops the tears that fall without any provocation at night before I go to sleep. It never stops the worry if he's okay; if he has eaten on time or drank enough water for the day to avoid dehydration; if he's having bad asthma attack or taken his asthma meds on time; or if the 3 angels are good and well, especially the two who are celebrating their birthdays next week.
For now, I know that there's not a single thing that I can do but to pray, wait and hope. For now, all my worries will have to be left at God's hands. I believe that He's taking care of them for now that I can't do it myself. For now, I am still taking it a day at a time; keeping to myself mostly and trying to find peace in solitude. As my guy friend has said Angels speak to you when there is silence.
I am really hoping that one day, you'd find it in your heart to talk to me again. And for you to realize that there is someone waiting for you. For now, I shall leave you and the 3 angels under the care of Papa God.
Until then!
Friday, January 13, 2012
1st Lesson for 2012: LOVE and PATIENCE
My 2011 ended very nicely. I was very happy the last 2 weeks of it. And yes, it is because of a special person, whom I truly believe in my heart, to be God's answer to my (almost) lifelong prayer.
But by the end of the 1st week of January 2012, things weren't as smooth and as happy with this guy. Doubts, fears, questions have cropped up and cropped up aplenty as it happened. But I knew in my heart, this guy is someone I'd wait for to come around.
By the 2nd Monday of 2012, I was already crying for 3 straight days. My closest friends have been worried sick about me for the same period, one girlfriend in particular literally cried with me that Monday night. Her constant question was: "Kaya mo pa ba, Mare?" (Can you still hold on?). To which I replied, "yes."
Earlier that day after work, I dropped by the The Shrine of Jesus, The Way, The Truth and The Life. There I cried my heart out to God. Begging Him not to take this guy away from me. In my heart, I know that He can see me, how broken I was that day. I had a lot of questions, I felt hopeless of ever finding an answer. I was there, at the very front row of the Church, crying, fully soaking my hankie, begging Him. This not being enough, I approached the Santo Sepulcro and once again, cried my heart out. I wasn't asking the Lord to take away the pain I am feeling. I asked Him to grant me patience and more understanding to wait for this guy.
I know in my heart that I am special to this guy (and he said as much), it's just that there were things in our respective pasts which made it harder for us to accept love from another person freely and without a doubt. The betrayals I've been bestowed in the past made me skeptical of a man's motive in trying to get me into a relationship; but NOT THIS GUY. I knew from the first moment we met that there is just something different in him. He will not lie to me deliberately, he will not cheat on me, he will not hurt me intentionally. Yeah, quite a paradox, this last part, about not hurting me intentionally, when I have been crying almost everyday. But the hurt I am feeling right now was not really inflicted by him and what he asked of me. My "hurt"stems from the fear that he will just go. This inspite the fact that he has, time and again, assured me that he's not going anywhere. He just wants to take things slowly. In my heart, I know that he means it. If there's one other thing that I can credit this guy for, it is his ability to say what he really mean, even though there were times these are things that he'd say that are not what I'd hoped to hear.
A week after, I am still adjusting to this new set up. If anything, one positive outcome of this period in my life is that it has led me back to going to Church on Sundays and dropping by the Church everyday after work. In my heart, I know that God will hear me out, because I know that He can see what's in my heart. And maybe that romantic in me believes that true love will overcome every obstacle that comes it way.
I am praying constantly for God to take away this fear of mine; for me to be fully healed from all the hurts so that I will not be afraid of things triggered by past hurts. I pray the same for this guy too. If anything my prayers include patience; that this guy will allow me to love him and that the love I have for this guy will heal him, because he has definitely started my healing process. In time, I believe all these shall be answered. I have begged God and I know He will not be deaf to my pleadings.
To you, my special guy, hold on with me, please. In time, we will be able to talk about this and hopefully, we can look back to this time together and just laugh about it. But for now, I am here for you. If I'm still doing a lot of things that annoy you, all you have to do is talk to me about it. But you also need to hear me out. I am still adjusting. But I couldn't end this entry without thanking you also for the patience and understanding you're showing me since last week. For putting up with my insecurities and fears. I know that this ain't easy for you too, but I know that because we both want this, everything shall fall into place. We just need to go through a lot for this journey, let's just stick together, shall we?
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