My 2011 ended very nicely. I was very happy the last 2 weeks of it. And yes, it is because of a special person, whom I truly believe in my heart, to be God's answer to my (almost) lifelong prayer.
But by the end of the 1st week of January 2012, things weren't as smooth and as happy with this guy. Doubts, fears, questions have cropped up and cropped up aplenty as it happened. But I knew in my heart, this guy is someone I'd wait for to come around.
By the 2nd Monday of 2012, I was already crying for 3 straight days. My closest friends have been worried sick about me for the same period, one girlfriend in particular literally cried with me that Monday night. Her constant question was: "Kaya mo pa ba, Mare?" (Can you still hold on?). To which I replied, "yes."
Earlier that day after work, I dropped by the The Shrine of Jesus, The Way, The Truth and The Life. There I cried my heart out to God. Begging Him not to take this guy away from me. In my heart, I know that He can see me, how broken I was that day. I had a lot of questions, I felt hopeless of ever finding an answer. I was there, at the very front row of the Church, crying, fully soaking my hankie, begging Him. This not being enough, I approached the Santo Sepulcro and once again, cried my heart out. I wasn't asking the Lord to take away the pain I am feeling. I asked Him to grant me patience and more understanding to wait for this guy.
I know in my heart that I am special to this guy (and he said as much), it's just that there were things in our respective pasts which made it harder for us to accept love from another person freely and without a doubt. The betrayals I've been bestowed in the past made me skeptical of a man's motive in trying to get me into a relationship; but NOT THIS GUY. I knew from the first moment we met that there is just something different in him. He will not lie to me deliberately, he will not cheat on me, he will not hurt me intentionally. Yeah, quite a paradox, this last part, about not hurting me intentionally, when I have been crying almost everyday. But the hurt I am feeling right now was not really inflicted by him and what he asked of me. My "hurt"stems from the fear that he will just go. This inspite the fact that he has, time and again, assured me that he's not going anywhere. He just wants to take things slowly. In my heart, I know that he means it. If there's one other thing that I can credit this guy for, it is his ability to say what he really mean, even though there were times these are things that he'd say that are not what I'd hoped to hear.
A week after, I am still adjusting to this new set up. If anything, one positive outcome of this period in my life is that it has led me back to going to Church on Sundays and dropping by the Church everyday after work. In my heart, I know that God will hear me out, because I know that He can see what's in my heart. And maybe that romantic in me believes that true love will overcome every obstacle that comes it way.
I am praying constantly for God to take away this fear of mine; for me to be fully healed from all the hurts so that I will not be afraid of things triggered by past hurts. I pray the same for this guy too. If anything my prayers include patience; that this guy will allow me to love him and that the love I have for this guy will heal him, because he has definitely started my healing process. In time, I believe all these shall be answered. I have begged God and I know He will not be deaf to my pleadings.
To you, my special guy, hold on with me, please. In time, we will be able to talk about this and hopefully, we can look back to this time together and just laugh about it. But for now, I am here for you. If I'm still doing a lot of things that annoy you, all you have to do is talk to me about it. But you also need to hear me out. I am still adjusting. But I couldn't end this entry without thanking you also for the patience and understanding you're showing me since last week. For putting up with my insecurities and fears. I know that this ain't easy for you too, but I know that because we both want this, everything shall fall into place. We just need to go through a lot for this journey, let's just stick together, shall we?
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