New Year and Resolutions...

Okay, in exactly an hour and quarter, 2011 shall come to an end. And as expected, New Year's resolutions shall come in plentiful, even though most of it will remain just that for most people: a motherhood statement made at the start of a new year. :(

Personally, since New Year of 2011 came in, I have stopped making resolutions. I opted to have goals set at the beginning of each year and as the year progresses, I would check my list every now and then to see how far I have come along.

And so for 2012 these are my goals, though not necessarily in the order they appear here:

1. Attain further knowledge and more skills in photography by attending more seminars and workshops; and also build up my equipment. Seminars and workshops should be focused more on portraiture, wedding and fashion photography. 
2. Take a crash course on basic make-up artistry. A skill that helps a lot once I become a full-pledge wedding and fashion photographer, and also something that I could use to earn extra incomes. 
3. Get a US Visa!!!
4. Travel to US!! teeeehhhhhheeeee!!!
5. Work hard (again!) and learn the ropes of being a Training Officer
6. Save up for the travel to the US! 
7. Pray harder, spend more time in Church and with God
8. Spend more time with family
9. Love, love, love!

So, there it goes! I am gonna keep track of these goals, pray hard for the realizations of these and hopefully, 2012 will be a much, much brighter year for me!

Again, happy new year everyone!!!

New Year

In a few hours, I will be saying goodbye to 2011. And yes, this was one hell of a year for me from January until  about the 2nd week of December. Hah! Well at least, looking at the bright side, the last 2 weeks of this year kinda made me forget the hardships and gave me hope again.

If I am asked  to describe my 2011 in one word, I'd say BROKEN. In 2011, I've suffered a broken heart; a broken friendship and broken working relationship with my boss.

It was really hard for me this year. And I am really hoping that 2012 will be different. Since I am part Chinese, I observe certain traditions which I believe will help usher in a brighter year for me. Also, the Chinese in me doesn't fully recognize January 01, 2012 as the start of my new year and good luck. In a way, I observe two New Year celebrations (one on January 01 and the other one is the Chinese new year based on the lunar calendar) every year. Kinda confusing? Not really.

Before 2011 comes to an end and I leave all the bad things that has happened to me, I'd like to acknowledge that there were good things that did happen to me. For my loyal and ever sincere circle of friends (you know who you are), for the love you have extended, not just for me, but for my Mom as well, thank you. For being there all ways, all the time.

For my family, especially my Mom, who I know is always there for me, thank you for constantly remembering me and worrying about me.

To Chad, who undeniably makes me happy these days and has given me a new hope in finding a man who is sincere and trustworthy. You make me excited thinking about the future and the challenges that lie ahead. For now, I shall continue to pray for us and try to journey with you the best that I know how.

And most of all, to my Papa God, who I know has never failed to watch over me. Thank You for 2011, no matter how challenging  and painful it was. Thank You for making me happy the last 2 weeks of it and I really pray that this time, this is really it. We have so much to work on as a couple and as individuals, and You know that in my heart, I am contented. I have not asked You "Why him?" because I believe that You have your own reasons for bringing him into my life. Thank You Papa God for everything. Amen!

Happy New Year everyone and I claim God's blessings for each and everyone of you!

Thank You

I made 2 posts on my Facebook wall this morning that, to say the least, bothered a lot of my friends. These posts were, as most of my posts are, honest and dealt with my state of emotions at this time. I was also vague on these posts, in the sense that I didn't really say the reason/s why I am where I am now.


My email, Facebook and phone in-boxes were deluged with messages, asking me "what happened?"; "why?"; "are you okay?" and a host of other assurances that I am not alone. Three guy friends have even sent me flowers which as what was written on the card  was aimed to help cheer me up. Also, the fact that I didn't reply to each of the messages I received was something that caused my friends to worry some more. I am known to be that kind of person who will reply to an sms or a call whenever I could. If I didn't, then there is something pressing or wrong.


This entry isn't intended to give the detailed reason of my present situation, only 2 people know, and that's enough for me. There are just two things I wanted to share here tonight:


One is I am at that point in my life where I have to stop running away from an issue I have been skirting around for 1 year now. This issue is the reason why I have pushed myself to get into some activities this year, in the hope that it will eventually make the issue go away. My fear of being sad and depressed (even on a temporary basis) has fueled my desire to turn this into a productive experience. And yes, for a time, I succeeded. I got into photography and I discovered that I have a talent on this one; I got into a language class and learned that I could learn it and speak Mandarin well. I traveled. And on and on went the list. All because I didn't want to face this particular issue.


But last night, I just got tired of running away. Its like, all of a sudden, I am faced with a wall and there's no where left to go. All I wanted to do was to cry  and really let the pain out. I called my friend August as all these emotions were unraveling, and he was that generous with his time with me. He let me cry. And told me to stop avoiding this issue anymore. That I have to deal with it now. Not necessarily the issue itself, but the 
emotions that went with it.


When August asked me, "ano ang gusto mo ngayon?"  all I said was: "I don't want to be where I am now. I don't wanna be crying and hurting". And he said that I can't, because I have been doing exactly just that for a year now, avoiding all these emotions. Now, its time for me to be here. And like a lost child, I told him "Pano, hindi ko na alam dito, kasi ayoko dito, I feel that I am too old for this na", to which he said "wala, acknowledge mo lang how you feel. if you feel like crying, let the tears flow; if you feel disappointed, acknowlege it. Tabihan mo ung emotions mo, tabihan mo si sad, tabihan mo si disappointment."  I was kinda lost at first on how to do this. But I remember the book that August made me read years back, Eckhart Tolle's Power of Now. And it pretty much helped me how to be in this situation and deal with it.


I was crying over the phone, really letting it all out, my deepest feelings, my silliest to my darkest thoughts. I felt relieved for a time. But only for a brief time. I don't know how long it will take me this time before I can say "I am okay" because I am not even halfway there yet. But, I know that someday, I'd just find myself there.


A friend with whom I talked to this evening was kinda of worried because in her words "parang biglang kang huminto and I'm afraid you'd get stocked up there". She actually asked me several times "so anong plano mo?".  To which I replied, "wala. I just need to be here now, deal with these emotions".


For now, please understand if you won't find the usual "rose/rosa/osang" that you know and in her stead, you'd find a more subdued "rose/rosa/osang"; if you don't hear my witch laugh or pang-ookray as often as you would like. Please don't make tampo if you invite me out to a dinner or coffee and I would beg off, it simply means that I just want to be alone. If you see me and I have this pair of swollen eyes, just ignore it. Please bear with me for now. It's not easy for me too.


Two, to everyone who texted, pm'd and emailed me THANK YOU. For your love and assurances that you are there ready to listen and help me. Notably, to my 3 musketeers for the flowers and helping me deflect another issue because you simply know that I couldn't deal with it now; to my 2 other friends who were shocked about the details of my present situation;  and to all the others whom I didn't send a reply to, I am sorry for not replying, your messages were very well appreciated. I request for your understanding for now. Thank you again, from the bottom of my heart!