Thank You

I made 2 posts on my Facebook wall this morning that, to say the least, bothered a lot of my friends. These posts were, as most of my posts are, honest and dealt with my state of emotions at this time. I was also vague on these posts, in the sense that I didn't really say the reason/s why I am where I am now.


My email, Facebook and phone in-boxes were deluged with messages, asking me "what happened?"; "why?"; "are you okay?" and a host of other assurances that I am not alone. Three guy friends have even sent me flowers which as what was written on the card  was aimed to help cheer me up. Also, the fact that I didn't reply to each of the messages I received was something that caused my friends to worry some more. I am known to be that kind of person who will reply to an sms or a call whenever I could. If I didn't, then there is something pressing or wrong.


This entry isn't intended to give the detailed reason of my present situation, only 2 people know, and that's enough for me. There are just two things I wanted to share here tonight:


One is I am at that point in my life where I have to stop running away from an issue I have been skirting around for 1 year now. This issue is the reason why I have pushed myself to get into some activities this year, in the hope that it will eventually make the issue go away. My fear of being sad and depressed (even on a temporary basis) has fueled my desire to turn this into a productive experience. And yes, for a time, I succeeded. I got into photography and I discovered that I have a talent on this one; I got into a language class and learned that I could learn it and speak Mandarin well. I traveled. And on and on went the list. All because I didn't want to face this particular issue.


But last night, I just got tired of running away. Its like, all of a sudden, I am faced with a wall and there's no where left to go. All I wanted to do was to cry  and really let the pain out. I called my friend August as all these emotions were unraveling, and he was that generous with his time with me. He let me cry. And told me to stop avoiding this issue anymore. That I have to deal with it now. Not necessarily the issue itself, but the 
emotions that went with it.


When August asked me, "ano ang gusto mo ngayon?"  all I said was: "I don't want to be where I am now. I don't wanna be crying and hurting". And he said that I can't, because I have been doing exactly just that for a year now, avoiding all these emotions. Now, its time for me to be here. And like a lost child, I told him "Pano, hindi ko na alam dito, kasi ayoko dito, I feel that I am too old for this na", to which he said "wala, acknowledge mo lang how you feel. if you feel like crying, let the tears flow; if you feel disappointed, acknowlege it. Tabihan mo ung emotions mo, tabihan mo si sad, tabihan mo si disappointment."  I was kinda lost at first on how to do this. But I remember the book that August made me read years back, Eckhart Tolle's Power of Now. And it pretty much helped me how to be in this situation and deal with it.


I was crying over the phone, really letting it all out, my deepest feelings, my silliest to my darkest thoughts. I felt relieved for a time. But only for a brief time. I don't know how long it will take me this time before I can say "I am okay" because I am not even halfway there yet. But, I know that someday, I'd just find myself there.


A friend with whom I talked to this evening was kinda of worried because in her words "parang biglang kang huminto and I'm afraid you'd get stocked up there". She actually asked me several times "so anong plano mo?".  To which I replied, "wala. I just need to be here now, deal with these emotions".


For now, please understand if you won't find the usual "rose/rosa/osang" that you know and in her stead, you'd find a more subdued "rose/rosa/osang"; if you don't hear my witch laugh or pang-ookray as often as you would like. Please don't make tampo if you invite me out to a dinner or coffee and I would beg off, it simply means that I just want to be alone. If you see me and I have this pair of swollen eyes, just ignore it. Please bear with me for now. It's not easy for me too.


Two, to everyone who texted, pm'd and emailed me THANK YOU. For your love and assurances that you are there ready to listen and help me. Notably, to my 3 musketeers for the flowers and helping me deflect another issue because you simply know that I couldn't deal with it now; to my 2 other friends who were shocked about the details of my present situation;  and to all the others whom I didn't send a reply to, I am sorry for not replying, your messages were very well appreciated. I request for your understanding for now. Thank you again, from the bottom of my heart!