What Might Have Been

I received an email last night (Nov. 28) from someone, a former friend, I could call him. It was, to say the least, a very honest email. It talked about what would have been between the two of us, had we become friends under a different circumstance.

I forwarded this email to two of my girlfriends at work, for two reasons: one, because they knew about my story with this guy and two, they knew how it came to an end last week.

As expected, I received replies from them. One asked how I felt about the email and the other one, in her words “fell in love all over again” after reading the email. She even told me to take the guy back, pronto!

I replied to the first one as “wala” as in I don’t feel anything about the email. To which she replied, “anong wala? Wag ka nga magbato-batohan”. Simultaneously, while reading this, I received the reply from girlfriend no. 2 in which she said that I should take back the guy.

I’m gonna be honest in saying that I felt pretty much disappointed from their replies. I felt that I was expected to cry and be sad or that I set everything aside and just rush back to the guy, all because he wrote a very revealing (of his feelings) email.

I replied as much, even going to the point of being brutally honest with them. Why was I told na wag magbato-batohan? Should I be bawling over and crying my eyes out just because of this guy? Yes, ever since I decided to cut my ties with the guy, a time or two, I found myself missing him, but that’s only because for last 6 months or so, he was there for me.  And call it chemistry or whatever, but this is something that I’d attribute to the fact that he’s an “ex” hence, at one point in my life I shared it with him, there’s a feeling of familiarity between us. But for me to be sad and cry because of him? I just don’t think it’s a logical thing for me to do now, because I’ve done that 13 years ago. And I am not going to do it again this time.

As for me taking the guy back? My other girlfriend (GF No. 2) seemed to have forgotten the burden that this guy has with him. He’s a single dad to a 15 year old daughter; and by January 2012, he’s going to be a dad for the 2^nd time with a different woman.  The guy himself said as much in his email, he didn’t dare ask me to be a permanent part of his life because he felt that in doing so, will be unfair to me because of these 2 kids and the responsibilities that it entails. He has no doubt as to my care and affection for his eldest; but to ask me to accept the 2^nd kid, whose mother is expecting to get a marriage proposal from him, is not that simple. For this, I thank him; for his realization, for his discretion, for his consideration of my feelings.  A part of his email also said that he acknowledges the fact that his “turn and time with me is done and over with.” That he knows about another guy that I love and yearn for, albeit an unrequited one.

Truth be told, I felt disappointed with the replies I got. I really felt that my welfare, my side wasn’t thought of by my friends. No thought of the responsibility that this guy has with him, consequently, of the life that I’ll have with him. He’s rich, no question about his ability to be the provider. But in one of my replies, I said, “di nyo man lang ba naisip na baka gusto ko naman na pag nag-asawa ako, ako at yung lalaking pinakasalan ko ang totoong magsisimula ng pamilya namin? Na hindi instant family?”

These two even replied separately that they think I love this guy. Which I didn’t deny. Yes, love for this guy is there, on my part, it’s there. It always has been there. But am I in love with this guy?  I am not, hasn’t been for 13 years now. Personally, there’s a difference between these two. I may love a guy, hell, I love all my friends! But for me to be really in a relationship with a guy, I need to be in love with him, because it is only through this that I’ll be able to see past his faults, be deaf to other people’s opinions about him, be blind to his shortcomings.

Girlfriend No. 2 said that in her case,  despite the fact that her marriage failed and that she has a teenage daughter herself, she realized that there are still other people out there who are willing to love her and accept her. I have no doubt on this. This particular girlfriend of mine is very kind, patient and so loving beyond words. A lot of times, I have chastised her “Kasi ang bait-bait mo ate kaya ka laging nasasaktan ng ibang tao, kasi they take advantage of you na”. And I never said that being a single parent (or even divorced or separated) is a ground for not being loved by other people. I believe in 2nd chances in life. But there’s a difference of perspective here. My dear GF No. 2 has been married. I have not.

In my heart, no matter how jaded I have become about love and men, I still long to have someone in my life who will start a family life with me. Given the choice, I’d have this. As I said in one of my earlier post, if (and that’s a big IF) I do get married, it is something that I would do because I know, in my heart that the guy I got married to IS THE ONE. And I don’t mean the perfect kind of THE ONE, but he’s that guy whose eccentricities, faults, shortcomings, strengths, weaknesses, whatever else, I have come to fully accept.

Maybe, I am at that age or point in my life that I am able to balance my heart and my mind. Yes, I still delight in the happiness that a relationship brings to me, that giddy feeling. But I am not a kid anymore. I’ve been through a lot, relationship wise. Somehow, I found myself to have wised up in this area of my life.

To my ex, I wish you happiness. In my heart, I know that there’s someone out there for you. I just don’t believe that it’s me. Thank you though, for the love and that email. If anything, it sort of give me an affirmation that I am at least, a wife material. :)