10 Things I Hate About You is a 1999 movie which starred Julia Stiles and the late Heath Ledger. What I am reminded the most about this movie is Kat's (Stiles) poem. Allow me to share that here;
I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car.
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme.
I hate it, I hate the way you're always right.
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call.
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.
The last line of this poem hits home at this point in my life as I am hurting over someone. How I wish that I could just hate you, it will be easier. But as the poem goes: ... not even a little bit, not even at all.
By the way, the person who's caused me this hurt doesn't wear combat boots. :)
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Not A Kid Anymore
I am not a kid any more to cry because of you.
I am not a kid any more to allow myself to continue hurting for you.
I loved you and I still do.
But I have to stop loving you.
And it's going to start now, at this very moment.
For my own sake.
I asked for a sign.
And I got it tonight.
And made me realize
You're not really worth the trouble and the pain.
I just wished you picked someone better.
And it's not jealousy that made me write this here.
Call it a woman's instinct.
Knowing that you're with her,
Kind of made me ask, "yan lang ba?".
As a friend have jokingly said,
"Maybe he needs a woman who doesn't speak her own mind, ate.
Or maybe someone who doesn't have any mind at all."
If anything, the fact that just last week I prayed for you
And God answered it affirmatively, shall be enough for me.
It will have to be enough for me.
I know now that though I can't take care of you,
God shall do it in my behalf.
I want to write here that I am gonna be happy for you;
But I'm not there yet.
I am hurting now.
And I can't be that magnanimous, yet.
I have to take care of my self for now.
To pick up the pieces and gather it
In the hope of making my self whole again.
I know that I will be okay.
Just that I have to take it one day at a time.
And part of my healing process is to steer clear of people
Who will remind me of you.
I just hope they'd understand.
Until when, I don't know.
I'm not a kid any more to believe in happy endings.
I'm not a kid any more to continue believing that loving someone makes you happy.
I'm not a kid any more to cry for you.
I'm not a kid any more to cling to you.
So, goodbye.
I am not a kid any more to allow myself to continue hurting for you.
I loved you and I still do.
But I have to stop loving you.
And it's going to start now, at this very moment.
For my own sake.
I asked for a sign.
And I got it tonight.
And made me realize
You're not really worth the trouble and the pain.
I just wished you picked someone better.
And it's not jealousy that made me write this here.
Call it a woman's instinct.
Knowing that you're with her,
Kind of made me ask, "yan lang ba?".
As a friend have jokingly said,
"Maybe he needs a woman who doesn't speak her own mind, ate.
Or maybe someone who doesn't have any mind at all."
If anything, the fact that just last week I prayed for you
And God answered it affirmatively, shall be enough for me.
It will have to be enough for me.
I know now that though I can't take care of you,
God shall do it in my behalf.
It took me a long time to love someone again.
I don't know how long it's gonna take me to do it this time.
I want to write here that I am gonna be happy for you;
But I'm not there yet.
I am hurting now.
And I can't be that magnanimous, yet.
I have to take care of my self for now.
To pick up the pieces and gather it
In the hope of making my self whole again.
I know that I will be okay.
Just that I have to take it one day at a time.
And part of my healing process is to steer clear of people
Who will remind me of you.
I just hope they'd understand.
Until when, I don't know.
I'm not a kid any more to believe in happy endings.
I'm not a kid any more to continue believing that loving someone makes you happy.
I'm not a kid any more to cry for you.
I'm not a kid any more to cling to you.
So, goodbye.
Monday, May 23, 2011
On Reorganization, Survey and Security of Tenure
The atmosphere at my workplace the past few months is one that can be best described with a generous amount of uncertainty and anxiety. Truthfully, this began when the term of the last administration ended. Ours was one of the last few government agencies who's Head of Agency (HOA) got appointed. For like 2-3 months, we were led by an Officer-in-Charge.
And then when the new administration came in, it was like their No. 1 agenda was to conduct "witch hunting". Tracking down people who were closely identified with the past HOA; set aside what has been done by the past administration without regard for the reasons these were done and say these are all "wrong".
Sure, for the last 9 years, my company has been subjected to all kinds of hate by its members, mainly because of the massive computerization; policy changes; inadequate information dissemination and ineffective communication within the organization as well as to the external world. Members only saw the effects of these changes to them, and I cannot (do not) blame them. But you see, these changes HAD to be implemented, otherwise, my company would have seen its end early part of the new millenium (I hope I got this one right). This was something that members were not able to fully to understand.
Back to Present day: Among the early projects of the new administration was to do (another) Corporate Reorganization. Oh God... As someone from HR, all I can do is sigh and utter to myself "Okay! Here comes another one". You see, for the last 9 years, we've had about 5(?) reorganizations. So don't blame me for my reaction. First on the list of instructions on how to go about this reorganization, is to have a "flatter" organization. Second, was to make it more responsive to the needs of the members. Fine.
As days turned into weeks then into months, several more changes, nah, hundreds more, took place. Finally, it came to a point that we in HR weren't part of it (process of reorg) anymore. Everything was being done by a Committee.
February this year, voila! A new Table of Organization (TO) was presented thru a General Assembly (GA). This is the very 1st time everyone has seen this new TO. And everyone went like "huh?! nawala yung office or department namin"; "nabawasan ng number of functional groups" and automatically, the next worry was: "san na ako pupunta?" There were questions and there were answers. Fine.
And then part of the reorg process was conducting a "survey" corporate wide, to be participated in by everyone. Whoa!!! Hi-tech!!! And so, all of us, from the last week of April to early May, were made to answer the said survey. And most of us, took the survey seriously. I, personally was very skeptical about this survey process, but nonetheless, I answered it honestly.
Fast forward to last week (3rd week of May) to present day: We (meaning incumbents of supervisory and rank and file positions) just learned that incumbents of Vice Presidents positions and higher are being summoned to the Office of the GM, in summary, to know their respective fates in this reorganization. From the very 1st story that I heard, I personally felt livid. Stories were disheartening. People are being let go. Sure, retirement, redundancy and whatever else one might like to call it, is a likely result of a corporate reorg.
But what makes the process of letting these people go disheartening is, that they are not given a logical and concrete explanation why they are being shown the door out. And a couple of these people are seniors in the organization, whose experience and knowledge of the job will be a big help to the new administration. A few of these people are technically equipped and qualified in their present positions; and yet, they are being reassigned to another department or unit where their technical qualifications will not be maximized. These reassignments clearly does not take into consideration a person's career path. And it pains me to write this line, but, I feel and see that this reorganization is not being implemented with a touch of human compassion and relation. It violates every HR principle that I know of. I cannot help but feel sad and livid.
Personally, I am also anxious. I'm already a supervisor and there are talks that the qualification standards for the position I am presently holding will be revised. And if these talks are true, I will become "un-qualified". Ironic right? This is where I start to ask "Where is my security of tenure as government employee?" On the upside, some colleagues are worried for me, and I truly thank them for this. But as I was telling them, "Tigok kung tigok sa serbisyo. Pero di ko i-stress-in ang sarili ko na makakuha ng masters degree in one year. San Unibersidad ko nman kukunin yun?"
This is what we are all getting because someone seats at the throne of power with a very huge axe to grind against my former HOA. And this person is very lucky, because if there's one thing we all learned from the past administration, it is to defer to your superiors. But I wonder how long this attitude of deferment will last?
God help us all in these trying times. I know that He will.
And then when the new administration came in, it was like their No. 1 agenda was to conduct "witch hunting". Tracking down people who were closely identified with the past HOA; set aside what has been done by the past administration without regard for the reasons these were done and say these are all "wrong".
Sure, for the last 9 years, my company has been subjected to all kinds of hate by its members, mainly because of the massive computerization; policy changes; inadequate information dissemination and ineffective communication within the organization as well as to the external world. Members only saw the effects of these changes to them, and I cannot (do not) blame them. But you see, these changes HAD to be implemented, otherwise, my company would have seen its end early part of the new millenium (I hope I got this one right). This was something that members were not able to fully to understand.
Back to Present day: Among the early projects of the new administration was to do (another) Corporate Reorganization. Oh God... As someone from HR, all I can do is sigh and utter to myself "Okay! Here comes another one". You see, for the last 9 years, we've had about 5(?) reorganizations. So don't blame me for my reaction. First on the list of instructions on how to go about this reorganization, is to have a "flatter" organization. Second, was to make it more responsive to the needs of the members. Fine.
As days turned into weeks then into months, several more changes, nah, hundreds more, took place. Finally, it came to a point that we in HR weren't part of it (process of reorg) anymore. Everything was being done by a Committee.
February this year, voila! A new Table of Organization (TO) was presented thru a General Assembly (GA). This is the very 1st time everyone has seen this new TO. And everyone went like "huh?! nawala yung office or department namin"; "nabawasan ng number of functional groups" and automatically, the next worry was: "san na ako pupunta?" There were questions and there were answers. Fine.
And then part of the reorg process was conducting a "survey" corporate wide, to be participated in by everyone. Whoa!!! Hi-tech!!! And so, all of us, from the last week of April to early May, were made to answer the said survey. And most of us, took the survey seriously. I, personally was very skeptical about this survey process, but nonetheless, I answered it honestly.
Fast forward to last week (3rd week of May) to present day: We (meaning incumbents of supervisory and rank and file positions) just learned that incumbents of Vice Presidents positions and higher are being summoned to the Office of the GM, in summary, to know their respective fates in this reorganization. From the very 1st story that I heard, I personally felt livid. Stories were disheartening. People are being let go. Sure, retirement, redundancy and whatever else one might like to call it, is a likely result of a corporate reorg.
But what makes the process of letting these people go disheartening is, that they are not given a logical and concrete explanation why they are being shown the door out. And a couple of these people are seniors in the organization, whose experience and knowledge of the job will be a big help to the new administration. A few of these people are technically equipped and qualified in their present positions; and yet, they are being reassigned to another department or unit where their technical qualifications will not be maximized. These reassignments clearly does not take into consideration a person's career path. And it pains me to write this line, but, I feel and see that this reorganization is not being implemented with a touch of human compassion and relation. It violates every HR principle that I know of. I cannot help but feel sad and livid.
Personally, I am also anxious. I'm already a supervisor and there are talks that the qualification standards for the position I am presently holding will be revised. And if these talks are true, I will become "un-qualified". Ironic right? This is where I start to ask "Where is my security of tenure as government employee?" On the upside, some colleagues are worried for me, and I truly thank them for this. But as I was telling them, "Tigok kung tigok sa serbisyo. Pero di ko i-stress-in ang sarili ko na makakuha ng masters degree in one year. San Unibersidad ko nman kukunin yun?"
This is what we are all getting because someone seats at the throne of power with a very huge axe to grind against my former HOA. And this person is very lucky, because if there's one thing we all learned from the past administration, it is to defer to your superiors. But I wonder how long this attitude of deferment will last?
God help us all in these trying times. I know that He will.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Answered Prayer
The other day, Wednesday, May 18, I dropped by the Shrine of Jesus and prayed like I have not done in a long time. I prayed for something for someone I truly care about. I begged God for this intention, literally. I cried and begged for this person. I posted something about this on my Facebook wall. I really hoped that God will answer this particular prayer the way I hoped and want it to be answered.
For the 1st time, I was praying to God like it's a non-negotiable thing.
This morning, I learned that my prayer has been answered. Exactly the way I wanted it to be answered.
Thank You Papa God for listening. For seeing what's truly in my heart! Thank You!
For the 1st time, I was praying to God like it's a non-negotiable thing.
This morning, I learned that my prayer has been answered. Exactly the way I wanted it to be answered.
Thank You Papa God for listening. For seeing what's truly in my heart! Thank You!
Being Sexy
Lunch time today, me and some female co-workers met at the female restroom. One officemate named Dee, who's on the heavy side, quipped while referring to me, "Kung ganito lang ang katawan ko, araw-araw siguro malaswa ako." The remark earned a reply from another colleague, Len, "Kung ganyan ang katawan, walang malaswa. Tingnan mo nga ako, kahit anung plunging ng neckline, walang malaswa!" Len, as opposed to Dee, is also what one calls slender. Len's remarked earned laughter amongst us. The conversation went to being sexy and what it constitutes. To Dee, it means being slim and able to wear almost anything without any worry for bulges. For Len, it was having the "curves" in all the right places, yeah, including a better endowed chest portion.
I left the group still talking about this. But the conversation reminded me of my early discussions with my man friends about what they find sexy in women. Obviously, my guy friends would always, always point out the physical aspects of being sexy first. You know, big boobs, small waistline and curvaceous hips. Oh not to forget, long sexy legs! Tweet-Tweet! Yeah, yeah! Typical male...
But over the years and I don't know if it can be attributed to maturity, my guy friends now gives me different definitions of "sexy". One guy friend said, he finds a woman who is able to maintain her mysteriousness, sexy. Meaning, a woman who doesn't let him know what she thinks or feel almost all the time. Another guy friend said that a woman is sexy when she exudes confidence. Another one said, a woman who isn't afraid to tell him what she feels or needs is sexy.
I share these definitions by my guy friends. For me, a woman does not necessarily have to be physically beautiful and possess a 36-24-36 body measurement to be sexy. For me, sexy is composed of several things: intelligence, confidence, charm, wit, strength (emotional and otherwise), is able to carry herself/himself well in any situation, to name a few. A woman who is able to make a man not just lust after her, but engage his mind long after she has left, is uber sexy.
Ditto for a man. A man may not have the legendary "6-pack" abs, and muscled arms, or be tall dark and handsome, but if he's got intelligence or confidence or humour or thoughtfulness or the courage to show his weak side, trust me, women find that sexy in guys!
A woman who may be physically beautiful does not necessarily follow she's sexy. This is what is called as "eye candy" beauty. A woman may have all the right curves and the money to buy dresses, but may end up coming off slutty. Dresses, shoes, make-up helps but at the end of the day, sexiness is something that comes from within. And one doesn't get to take it off at night. It's within each and every single one of us. Yep, we are sexy 24/7, most just don't realize it, because they are trapped in their own shallow definition of this word.
So, to my gal friends, especially those who are on the heavy side and / or married: YOU ARE SEXY! Never, ever forget that!
I left the group still talking about this. But the conversation reminded me of my early discussions with my man friends about what they find sexy in women. Obviously, my guy friends would always, always point out the physical aspects of being sexy first. You know, big boobs, small waistline and curvaceous hips. Oh not to forget, long sexy legs! Tweet-Tweet! Yeah, yeah! Typical male...
But over the years and I don't know if it can be attributed to maturity, my guy friends now gives me different definitions of "sexy". One guy friend said, he finds a woman who is able to maintain her mysteriousness, sexy. Meaning, a woman who doesn't let him know what she thinks or feel almost all the time. Another guy friend said that a woman is sexy when she exudes confidence. Another one said, a woman who isn't afraid to tell him what she feels or needs is sexy.
I share these definitions by my guy friends. For me, a woman does not necessarily have to be physically beautiful and possess a 36-24-36 body measurement to be sexy. For me, sexy is composed of several things: intelligence, confidence, charm, wit, strength (emotional and otherwise), is able to carry herself/himself well in any situation, to name a few. A woman who is able to make a man not just lust after her, but engage his mind long after she has left, is uber sexy.
Ditto for a man. A man may not have the legendary "6-pack" abs, and muscled arms, or be tall dark and handsome, but if he's got intelligence or confidence or humour or thoughtfulness or the courage to show his weak side, trust me, women find that sexy in guys!
A woman who may be physically beautiful does not necessarily follow she's sexy. This is what is called as "eye candy" beauty. A woman may have all the right curves and the money to buy dresses, but may end up coming off slutty. Dresses, shoes, make-up helps but at the end of the day, sexiness is something that comes from within. And one doesn't get to take it off at night. It's within each and every single one of us. Yep, we are sexy 24/7, most just don't realize it, because they are trapped in their own shallow definition of this word.
So, to my gal friends, especially those who are on the heavy side and / or married: YOU ARE SEXY! Never, ever forget that!
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
An Open Letter for Someone
This entry will, hopefully, serve as an outlet for the anger that I have been keeping to my self for quite sometime now. And yes, this is actually some sort of an open letter to a guy I dated for several months (since last year to February 14 of this year). The guy will remain unnamed in this entry mostly because I wanna spare him the embarrassment and ire of my friends. You know who you are, because this entry will be sent to your email (yeah, I included your email add for this particular entry). And again, yes, this entry will hurt you, because this will contain the truth.
I met you through a mutual friend. At first sight, there wasn't any spark, at least on my part. Although, there was this curiosity. A guy your age, 39 with a stable career in the private sector, seems like a good match for a single woman like me. And yeah, you are intelligent and was able to carry decent conversations. In all those times we went out, I saw a lot of like-able qualities in you. Some of these are the patience and understanding in all those times that I had to cancel at the last minute because of the demands of my work at that time. You managed to make me feel that you understand my need for time with friends, with family and with myself (my ""me" time"); my "weirdness" on some stuff (i.e., i'm not a flower person).
But as the days turned into months, I waited. I waited and I waited for myself to feel something for you. I know I said that I am not a romantic at heart. But let me qualify that statement: I don't believe in fairy tale romances. But I do believe in LOVE. And that when you love a person, that person will make you happy. The mere sight of that person will send your heart a-flutter; will make you feel as if you have butterflies in your stomach; will send your heart racing and will keep you smiling like an idiot. I waited for these feelings to come to me, for you.
You asked me to go and meet your parents on February 14. You asked me so sweetly. The way you asked me made me felt that you really "get" me; because you didn't make me feel that you were just asking me out on February 14 without regard for my "faithlessness" in February 14 and what its symbolizes. I will admit it now, I felt hesitation right after you asked me. But as a friend of mine has counselled, "give him a chance". And I did. And I truly did. In more ways than you will ever know.
My instinct as a woman made me kind of reticent in fully trusting you. And yeah, this instinct was the very reason I asked you "Sigurado ka bang sa edad at status mong yan, hindi ka pa kinasal, o wala ka pa talagang kinasama o naanakan?" To which you blatantly answered "No. Wala akong pinakasalan, kinasama o naanakan." You said these words while looking into my eyes.
So how would you expect me to feel that on the night you made me meet your family, you ended your introduction "... and this is my daughter..."?
Wow!!!!! It took all my strength not to run out of your house. Because if I did that, it will be a blatant disrespect to your parents. And boy, I am not that kind of woman you bring home to your parents only to be rude to them. It took a lot from me that very moment, not to cry , not to to feel mad at you. It took a lot for me to sit through the dinner and eat the food that your mom has prepared; to smile and try to keep focused on the conversation that went around in your dining table; to pretend that I knew about your daughter all along. And at the same time that I was trying to do all these things? I was not looking at you, at all, because, at that very moment, I could have killed you by just merely looking at you.
I was honest with you. From Day 1, I was nothing but honest with you. At the time that I asked you about your marital status, I was ready to hear the truth; otherwise, I wouldn't have dared to ask. But you lied to me, pointblank. What did you expect me to do? How did you expect me to feel? I have big issues about LYING and CHEATING. You did one of these two. It was enough for me to tell you that I couldn't go on and continue seeing you. I thought you understand.
But why after three months, you're still talking about me? Worse, you talk to my friends. Do you think that they will be sympathetic to you? Maybe. I don't impose on my friends, you see. But to actually tell them that I didn't even have the decency to say "Thank you" for the bouquet of flowers you sent me while I was in Cebu on that Valentine weekend, considering that it cost you around Php3000, is just one of the several lies I heard you're telling about me.
Sabi nga ng kaibigan ko na kinausap mo, "Si Osang ang isa sa taong makikilala mo na may pagka-mababaw ang kaligayahan. Sa lahat ng bagay na gagawin mo para kay Osang, maliit o malaking bagay man yan, magpapasalamat si Osang. Di man sa tuwirang Thank You, pero magpapa-salamat yan. Kahit nga fishball, halos ipag patayo na ako ng monumento nyan eh. Minsan nga words of encouragement lang pag may problema yan, iiyak na yan sa sobrang pagpapa-salamat sa iyo." Sana na-realize mo na makakarating sa akin yung mga sinasabi mo.
I tried to keep my silence in all these 3 months, hoping that you'll eventually stop and shut your mouth. But you didn't. Nagkamali ka, kasi ayoko ng usaping pera. Hindi ko hiningi ang flowers na pinadala mo. Kaya foul for me ang sabihin mo na hindi man lang ako nag Thank You sa iyo for those flowers. I can show you my February cellphone billing. Kasi you sent those flowers at the time that I was in Cebu, and I had to call you from my cellphone to say Thank You for the flowers. I was in Cebu at that time, sa tuktok ng isang bundok sa Cebu when I called you. So don't tell me that I didn't say Thank You.
Mataray ako pero hindi ako "thankless" na klase ng tao; hindi din ako sinungaling. Hindi din ako mapag kunwari. Kaya siguro may point ka sa pagsasabing sa lahat ng panahon na we dated, hindi mo naramdaman na may feelings ako for you. Kasi wala talaga. Pero pinilit ko. Pero wala talaga. At oo, tama ka din sa sinabi mo sa isang kaibigan ko, kaya di ko nakuhang gustuhin ka, kasi may iba akong gusto.
I will send you the payment for the flowers. My friends are telling me not to do this. But I am. Because I want you to understand that I want you out of my life. That in paying you for the flowers, I will not be thinking of you as the boy who gave me flowers on the Valentine weekend of 2011; but you're the boy I asked to BUY me flowers.
I truly hope you find your happiness.
I met you through a mutual friend. At first sight, there wasn't any spark, at least on my part. Although, there was this curiosity. A guy your age, 39 with a stable career in the private sector, seems like a good match for a single woman like me. And yeah, you are intelligent and was able to carry decent conversations. In all those times we went out, I saw a lot of like-able qualities in you. Some of these are the patience and understanding in all those times that I had to cancel at the last minute because of the demands of my work at that time. You managed to make me feel that you understand my need for time with friends, with family and with myself (my ""me" time"); my "weirdness" on some stuff (i.e., i'm not a flower person).
But as the days turned into months, I waited. I waited and I waited for myself to feel something for you. I know I said that I am not a romantic at heart. But let me qualify that statement: I don't believe in fairy tale romances. But I do believe in LOVE. And that when you love a person, that person will make you happy. The mere sight of that person will send your heart a-flutter; will make you feel as if you have butterflies in your stomach; will send your heart racing and will keep you smiling like an idiot. I waited for these feelings to come to me, for you.
You asked me to go and meet your parents on February 14. You asked me so sweetly. The way you asked me made me felt that you really "get" me; because you didn't make me feel that you were just asking me out on February 14 without regard for my "faithlessness" in February 14 and what its symbolizes. I will admit it now, I felt hesitation right after you asked me. But as a friend of mine has counselled, "give him a chance". And I did. And I truly did. In more ways than you will ever know.
My instinct as a woman made me kind of reticent in fully trusting you. And yeah, this instinct was the very reason I asked you "Sigurado ka bang sa edad at status mong yan, hindi ka pa kinasal, o wala ka pa talagang kinasama o naanakan?" To which you blatantly answered "No. Wala akong pinakasalan, kinasama o naanakan." You said these words while looking into my eyes.
So how would you expect me to feel that on the night you made me meet your family, you ended your introduction "... and this is my daughter..."?
Wow!!!!! It took all my strength not to run out of your house. Because if I did that, it will be a blatant disrespect to your parents. And boy, I am not that kind of woman you bring home to your parents only to be rude to them. It took a lot from me that very moment, not to cry , not to to feel mad at you. It took a lot for me to sit through the dinner and eat the food that your mom has prepared; to smile and try to keep focused on the conversation that went around in your dining table; to pretend that I knew about your daughter all along. And at the same time that I was trying to do all these things? I was not looking at you, at all, because, at that very moment, I could have killed you by just merely looking at you.
I was honest with you. From Day 1, I was nothing but honest with you. At the time that I asked you about your marital status, I was ready to hear the truth; otherwise, I wouldn't have dared to ask. But you lied to me, pointblank. What did you expect me to do? How did you expect me to feel? I have big issues about LYING and CHEATING. You did one of these two. It was enough for me to tell you that I couldn't go on and continue seeing you. I thought you understand.
But why after three months, you're still talking about me? Worse, you talk to my friends. Do you think that they will be sympathetic to you? Maybe. I don't impose on my friends, you see. But to actually tell them that I didn't even have the decency to say "Thank you" for the bouquet of flowers you sent me while I was in Cebu on that Valentine weekend, considering that it cost you around Php3000, is just one of the several lies I heard you're telling about me.
Sabi nga ng kaibigan ko na kinausap mo, "Si Osang ang isa sa taong makikilala mo na may pagka-mababaw ang kaligayahan. Sa lahat ng bagay na gagawin mo para kay Osang, maliit o malaking bagay man yan, magpapasalamat si Osang. Di man sa tuwirang Thank You, pero magpapa-salamat yan. Kahit nga fishball, halos ipag patayo na ako ng monumento nyan eh. Minsan nga words of encouragement lang pag may problema yan, iiyak na yan sa sobrang pagpapa-salamat sa iyo." Sana na-realize mo na makakarating sa akin yung mga sinasabi mo.
I tried to keep my silence in all these 3 months, hoping that you'll eventually stop and shut your mouth. But you didn't. Nagkamali ka, kasi ayoko ng usaping pera. Hindi ko hiningi ang flowers na pinadala mo. Kaya foul for me ang sabihin mo na hindi man lang ako nag Thank You sa iyo for those flowers. I can show you my February cellphone billing. Kasi you sent those flowers at the time that I was in Cebu, and I had to call you from my cellphone to say Thank You for the flowers. I was in Cebu at that time, sa tuktok ng isang bundok sa Cebu when I called you. So don't tell me that I didn't say Thank You.
Mataray ako pero hindi ako "thankless" na klase ng tao; hindi din ako sinungaling. Hindi din ako mapag kunwari. Kaya siguro may point ka sa pagsasabing sa lahat ng panahon na we dated, hindi mo naramdaman na may feelings ako for you. Kasi wala talaga. Pero pinilit ko. Pero wala talaga. At oo, tama ka din sa sinabi mo sa isang kaibigan ko, kaya di ko nakuhang gustuhin ka, kasi may iba akong gusto.
I will send you the payment for the flowers. My friends are telling me not to do this. But I am. Because I want you to understand that I want you out of my life. That in paying you for the flowers, I will not be thinking of you as the boy who gave me flowers on the Valentine weekend of 2011; but you're the boy I asked to BUY me flowers.
I truly hope you find your happiness.
Friday, May 6, 2011
On Emails and Letting Go
One morning this week at work, I receieved an email about letting go. The message was good and realistic enough so I forwarded it to some people in the office, as well as other friends outside. A male friend of mine, one of the recipients of my first email, sent me another email also about letting go. It was a quite long and sad email . So sad that somewhere in the middle, I stopped reading and simply sent him a reply: "Kuya, di ko kinaya tapusin ito. Gumuguhit sa dibdib ko." His reply was a request to call him to tell me the background of that email. I did and we ended up laughing about it.
This morning, I received yet another email from the same male friend. Entitled a When Candles No Longer Burn. Yeah, it was still about letting go.
For some reason, blogs, emails, articles and even songs about letting go piques my interests. I know, it's a sad topic. A very sad one. Difficult even. I myself have a very hard time doing so, be it with a person, my pets or a possession. And to be honest, I am afraid of that eventuality in any circumstances. I mean, they say all things must come to an end, right?
The fear comes from the knowledge that letting go is a painful process or situation to be in. When I am in one, it can take me a month at the very least, to snap out of the loneliness it brings. I once had to let go of a relationship and I ended up jobless for an entire year because I didn't feel like looking for one! One of my pet dogs got lost, and I cried for like two days and felt sad for like 2 weeks!
The fear of letting go also comes from the fact that when I decide to let go, there's no turning back or changing my mind. No matter the pain or hurt it will cause to other people. I let go of a boyfriend in the past after he admitted that he cheated on me. I did this no matter how much I loved him then and the pain it caused me in letting him go; of the shattering effect that it will have on my ego as a woman. I let him go.
On the brighter side, letting go affords me the ability to move on from a bad situation or experience, which in turn, enables me to learn and explore the world some more. It also helps me get rid of negative people or elements in my life, thus, reducing stressful moments.
Letting go is a painful experience. But it will also teach a person a whole lot of lessons.
This morning, I received yet another email from the same male friend. Entitled a When Candles No Longer Burn. Yeah, it was still about letting go.
For some reason, blogs, emails, articles and even songs about letting go piques my interests. I know, it's a sad topic. A very sad one. Difficult even. I myself have a very hard time doing so, be it with a person, my pets or a possession. And to be honest, I am afraid of that eventuality in any circumstances. I mean, they say all things must come to an end, right?
The fear comes from the knowledge that letting go is a painful process or situation to be in. When I am in one, it can take me a month at the very least, to snap out of the loneliness it brings. I once had to let go of a relationship and I ended up jobless for an entire year because I didn't feel like looking for one! One of my pet dogs got lost, and I cried for like two days and felt sad for like 2 weeks!
The fear of letting go also comes from the fact that when I decide to let go, there's no turning back or changing my mind. No matter the pain or hurt it will cause to other people. I let go of a boyfriend in the past after he admitted that he cheated on me. I did this no matter how much I loved him then and the pain it caused me in letting him go; of the shattering effect that it will have on my ego as a woman. I let him go.
On the brighter side, letting go affords me the ability to move on from a bad situation or experience, which in turn, enables me to learn and explore the world some more. It also helps me get rid of negative people or elements in my life, thus, reducing stressful moments.
Letting go is a painful experience. But it will also teach a person a whole lot of lessons.
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