It's been nearly a week since that evening, when everything that has been going downhill from the 1st week of January, has finally hit rock bottom. The pain was just too much for me, it left me feeling dazed. I knew that I just couldn't keep crying and have the world stop because I'm in this situation. With this thought, I tried to carry on. I still am.
The day after it happened, I cleaned my room. I got rid of a lot of old stuff. I guess, figuratively, I was doing some sort of a cleansing; of what? I don't know. And this went on until the following day. If there was one good thing that came out of it, I guess it's the fact that I got a cleaner house. I dreaded the nights when I knew I had nothing else to do but to sleep; and I was afraid that sleep wouldn't come to me that easily which would in turn, make my mind go into overdrive thinking a lot of things and this person.
I talked to a guy friend about what happened. And though his words made me feel a whole lot better, I knew in my heart, that I am still where I am at: sad, depressed, lonely and longing for that person. I texted a handful of friends about what happened, and yes, even those who felt that this is something "they saw coming"; those who were quick enough to judge this guy. I also deactivated my Facebook account. I didn't give the details anymore, and one was circumspect enough not to ask for it. She knew, without me saying a word, how difficult this is for me. She tried to console, she tried to offer words of inspiration and encouragement, but I told her I couldn't really appreciate it for now and that I was literally, trying to get through an hour at a time. Ha! It wasn't even a day at a time. I was just grateful for every hour that I was able to get through that wasn't spent crying or feeling desolate.
By Monday, I felt that I was better than the weekend that has just passed. By God's grace, there were plenty of things for me to focus on at work. But at the end of the day, I felt so exhausted and I knew it has nothing to do with work stuff. I dropped by the Church again, and once again fell on my knee and begged the Lord. Begged Him hard!
I always believed that God sees everyone's heart. I always believed that God grants every prayer; not always in the form or manner we expect it to be answered, but every prayer is answered. But this time, as I was begging Him, I told Him in full details what I wanted and that I wanted no less. I knew this wasn't really right. You don't get to tell God how He should answer your prayers, right? But as I go to Church these days and talk to Him, I am not talking to Him as one of His creations; I'm begging Him like a child does to a father.
Praying and begging to Him has continued to light the hope in my heart. The hope that one day, this person will talk to me again and we move on together from there. But hoping never takes away the sadness and loneliness that being apart from this person brings. It never stops the tears that fall without any provocation at night before I go to sleep. It never stops the worry if he's okay; if he has eaten on time or drank enough water for the day to avoid dehydration; if he's having bad asthma attack or taken his asthma meds on time; or if the 3 angels are good and well, especially the two who are celebrating their birthdays next week.
For now, I know that there's not a single thing that I can do but to pray, wait and hope. For now, all my worries will have to be left at God's hands. I believe that He's taking care of them for now that I can't do it myself. For now, I am still taking it a day at a time; keeping to myself mostly and trying to find peace in solitude. As my guy friend has said Angels speak to you when there is silence.
I am really hoping that one day, you'd find it in your heart to talk to me again. And for you to realize that there is someone waiting for you. For now, I shall leave you and the 3 angels under the care of Papa God.
Until then!
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