This Holy Wednesday, I got a YM message from someone who was dear to me in the latter part of 2011 until mid-January 2012. This person also caused me so much pain when he left. But in mid-February, I saw an FB post of his that he's started seeing someone new and that's when I stopped hoping.
Hard and sad as it was, I started moving on. It helped that I have a new work assignment and it consumed most of my time. But I was careful not to overdo it at work, lest I find myself working like I did (14 hours a day, 6-7 days a week) again. I found solace at my work; at the Church and in being alone. While I was trying to heal myself, I isolated myself from my friends for like 2 months.
But there were days when I'd asked myself if I'm doing the right thing. Not to mention the nights when everything's still and much as I tried to fight it, my thoughts would go to him and the angels.By then, I knew there's nothing more I can do. I just wished him the best and continued to pray for him.
Then last Wednesday night, tired from an extra heavy week at work, I was contentedly anticipating the 5-day weekend when upon checking my email, I saw an offline message from this person. He just wanted to say "Hi!" I was stunned; speechless for the 1st minute. I was thinking that maybe, it's something of a "spam" message; knowing how Yahoo is. But nonetheless, I sent him back a message, thinking that if it's a spam message, I won't get another reply. But the message left me wide awake until past midnight. I wanted to pray, but for the life of me, I couldn't utter a single one. I didn't know what to say to Him. Instead, I just cried myself to sleep.
Holy Thursday morning rolled in. And I woke up to a YM message on my iPhone from him. I really couldn't believe it and I asked if it was really him. He asked for my email address because he has something to send me, he said. I gave it to him, but asked him too for a proof that it was him sending me messages. He sent me his pic. By this time, I know that it was really him and not long after, I got his email. I cried while I was reading it. It was exactly what I was praying to happen 2 months ago. And it has happened. Most of the day yesterday, we were talking. We talked about what happened from the time we broke up. He asked if I was dating someone new already and I was honest enough to tell him the truth about this area of my life. He told me something he did while we were not together, I didn't know how to react but if there was one thing that I really cherished with my relationship with him before, it's the honesty. No matter how painful it can be at times, we never lied to each other.
He said sorry for being a jerk to me and that he'd understand if I wouldn't speak to him again. But I did, didn't I? I knew in my heart during those times that I was trying to move on, he was still here in my heart. Because if I had really gotten over him, it would have been easy for me to go out and date here in Manila. But no, I kept my heart guarded all those times. So, I talked to him yesterday. But I know that we have a long way to go, we need to have a lot of time; and a lot of effort have to be exerted if we both wanted this to work this time around.
What we both agreed on is that we will again be talking to each other. But after the pain the last time has given me, I know that I have to be careful now, lest I get hurt again. And that decision he made while we were apart is also something that I really need to think about. He said that there's something that we can do about it eventually, but I don't know yet.
There's no question about it, I still have feelings for him. Given a choice, I'd still want a chance to be with him. But as to where or how far we are going to get this time, I don't know. Much as I hate to say it, somethings have changed since the last time. And I know that this is all part of God's plan.
I still haven't prayed to God, a part of me knows that this is something that I asked from Him but I know that God has His own reasons for letting things happen. If this is something He wants me to go through because I have a lesson to learn, all I am praying is that He spares me from so much pain again (a lot of possible lessons to be learned are coming to me, as I am writing this); on the other hand, if this is something that is happening because this guy and me are meant to be together, then we both have to find out. But both of us have to be patient, ready and open to be in this journey as one; otherwise, this is just another waste of time and emotions.
Thy Will be done, Papa God!
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