Decisions and Regrets

My mom was hospitalized for 5 days last week. Doctors' findings was that she has duodenal ulcer. Thankfully, she's already been sent home last Friday. 


Mom's hospitalization brought forth a lot of personal questions and uncertainties. You see, I am the youngest in the family, and the only one who's remained single. All my 3 brothers and only sister are married with kids of their own.  All my 3 brothers are Seamen and my sister, who married early, became a stay-at-home mom ever since. I am the only one who's made a career locally. 


When 2 of my dearest friends from work, Ate Rosanne and Kuya Eric, helped me bring Mom to the hospital last Monday, Mom said something to Ate Rosanne that kinda took me by surprise. Mom said, "ito ngang si Rose, sana mag-anak na lang. Kasi pag tanda nya, mahirap na walang mag-alaga sa kanya." I let this remark go without any comment from me. But it stayed with me from then on. 


Around 10 years ago, my OB-GYN discussed the possibility of me having a baby through sperm donation. At that time, my OBGYN wanted me to have a kid already, since me, having poly-cystic ovaries (PCOs), kinda makes it a bit harder to get pregnant.  Personally, at that time, I wanted the idea of a kid and in my heart, I know that I have what it takes to be at least a good mother. But, some things happened, which made me forego the plan. 


Now, 10 years after, faced with the fact that my Mom is already 74 year old and whether I'd like to say it now out loud or not, sooner or later, she'll be joining my Dad. Which leads me to the question of "what am I going to do then?". 


I grew up with 2 parents, with brothers and sisters, in short, the works! My family wasn't perfect. But I want my kid (or kids) to have the same experience. The joys of having 2 parents around; the sweetness and love of having sibling/s; the joys of being the youngest and spoiled upon; the arguments with the siblings; the tuksuhan; the asaran; the kampihan when one gets into trouble; the lessons that only a Dad can give to his kid; the house chores that only a Mom can patiently teach to her kid;  the joys of having nephews and nieces. Everything that I got from my own family and more is what I want my kid/s to have too. 


Since my Mom made that remark of me having a kid, it made think about it again. But there are A LOT of things that's been running through my mind. Having a kid means expenses. From the pre-natals to college education, to what-have-you's in between. And knowing myself, I wouldn't settle to send my kid to a so-so school. But more than the monetary side of it, I am scared of whether I, as a solo parent, can give or meet my kid's emotional needs.  


There's also the question of whether I have right motive or not. Does bringing a kid into this world just so there would be someone who'd take care of me  when I'm old and won't be able to move around on my own, reason enough to have a kid on my own? Or is it selfishness of some sort? 


I hate feeling like this. But I am helpless. I take refuge in prayers during this time. Lord, thy will be done.  You know what's in my heart, Thy will be done.