This entry's gonna be kind of disorganized because this one will contain the turmoil that's been going on in my life the past few weeks. In all my blogging experience, this entry I think will be the most personal I'll be having so far, and in doing so, I hope that I get to feel the relief I normally feel after writing.
I spent the whole day today at home. Partly because my tummy acted up again, so I had to take my meds which leaves me kinda groggy and partly because, I simply just want to be home on a Saturday, something which I haven't been able to do for the last 3 weekends.
I think the decision to stay home both did me good and bad. Good because I was able to sleep until almost 9am, then an afternoon "nap" which lasted for a good 2 hours. :) Bad, because it afforded me time to think, think and think, which eventually leads me to questions and a sort of "self-evaluation" of my life.
Maybe, I am just bored. Not just for today, but my life in general is boring. A friend told me about a week ago that my life isn't boring, because of all the issues that I've been dealing with, mostly at work. But then again, I don't want issues. I don't want controversies. I don't want fights with other people.
I thought maybe it's because of the fact that I am single. As in S-I-N-G-L-E. But I don't want a boyfriend just so I can be "un-bored".
I can't say that I lack friends, because I got great friends! No question about.
Another friend told me that I should keep being busy. I thought about it, and just thinking about it made me sigh. I don't want to do that anymore. I don't want to exert effort of becoming busy just so I won't be bored or self-evaluating... Definitely, I don't want to go back to my former work schedule, no thanks!
If someone will tell me now that I should get married and have babies so that I'd have a "purpose" in my life, I'd probably just look into that person's eyes and not saying anything. Because, quite honestly, I am at that point in my life now that I am not sure anymore if I still want to marry and have babies.
If I get to be asked now "what do you want, rose?" I'd say, "I don't know". All I know is I don't want this feeling. I don't want to be where I am now, emotionally and psychologically that is. Not even an idea of a vacation is inviting enough to get me out of this.
My friends who will get to read this will probably worry about me and even get scared that I'm going psycho or something (frankly, I do. :) ) And again, the answer to that is "I don't know". :(
I was thinking (yah, thinking) that mid-life crisis has come to me 14 years earlier than its supposed to. If that is the case, then maybe there's something to be happy about my situation now. At least when I turn 50, I'll never have this. :))
Ate, do you already have a copy of Happiness in Hard Times by Andrew Matthews? If not yet, go buy a copy. This book has been my "bible" since the day I bought it and has helped me deal with a lot of existential questions. It's easy to understand and very practical to use. Straight to the point palagi ang mga lessons. Hope it helps! :-)
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